


The Devil on My Shoulder

by carolelained



Series: The Devil on My Shoulder [1]
Category: The X-Files, due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:26:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23120152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolelained/pseuds/carolelained
Summary: This is my first attempt at writing anything Due south related, I've mainly wrote just the X files and this popped into my head while re watching due south yet again xxSmall mention of Billy Tallent from Hard Core Logo too.This can be read alone if you don't want to read about Billy and where he fits in.
Relationships: Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski, Billy Tallent mentioned from a past relationship, Ray Kowalski/Alex Krycek
Series: The Devil on My Shoulder [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755832
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	The Devil on My Shoulder

I’d received the call earlier today, apparently Welsh wanted to see me in his office with regards to my undercover assignment. Just lately Frazer was really starting to piss me off and was always on his high horse, and it was as if everything I said and did was always wrong. I’d always thought that was who we were and most of the time it worked, Fraser was my best friend and like everyone else we had our disagreements. Now I felt on edge when I realized Fraser had also being summoned to meet with Welsh, maybe someone had complained about our last disagreement and how I hit Fraser.

“Both of you take a seat.”

“Sir is this about me, shit I know ya should punish me for what I did but I don’t risk my life for anyone.”

“Kowalski just take a seat and shut up for once, Fraser you can wait outside and I will deal with you soon.”

“If that is what you wish Sir.”

“Yeah it is.”

I sat there waiting until the door closed and tried to remain calm, I couldn’t think of any other reason that Welsh would want to see me and talk to me alone, then without saying anything he handed me a piece of paper. What the fuck, no this couldn’t be happening right now

“You gotta be kidding me, just cut the mumbo jumbo and tell me whether this is a joke or not.”

“Ray calm down…”

“Ray Vecchio swans in here and expects me to just crawl back into the woodwork.”

“You knew it had to happen at some point Ray, one week and he’ll no longer be at risk from the mob.”

“Maybe I could just whack him and then he’d kinda disappear again.”

“I’ll pretend that I never heard that Kowalski, you’re a good detective and will do okay, you can go back to your own life now and even have your own name and identity too.”

“Yeah but I lose the life I have here, Fraser may be a freak but he’s also my friend.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sure the two of you can stay in contact and remain friends…”

“I’m outta here, I bet Fraser called him after our disagreement and he just hung me out to dry.”

I threw my badge and gun down on his desk and walked over towards the door, I’d just opened it when he spoke to me once more.”

“Where are you going Kowalski?”

“I dunno, maybe I’ll go put the pedal to the metal and get as far away from here as possible.”

I walked out slamming the door behind me, shit and then I was confronted with Fraser who appeared shocked at my outburst with the door. I tried to walk past him and get out of here, yet the stubborn Mountie wouldn’t let it go and followed me.

“Ray, Ray, Ray talk to me…”

“Lotta good that’ll do Fraser.”

“I don’t understand Ray, you have to talk to me.”

“I don’t have to do anything anymore.”

Fraser pulled at my arm and turned me towards him, I could tell that he wasn’t going to let this drop and I was starting to get pissed off now and fall apart. Maybe if I pushed Fraser he’d hate me, then he’d let me go.

“Ray…”

“I swear to god I’ll pop yer right in the face Fraser.”

“You already said that and carried it out Ray, do it if it will make you feel better.”

“What the hell does it matter to ya, hell what do I matter to ya come to think of it.”

“You’re my friend Ray…”

“Fraser you won’t need me now Vecchio’s back on the scene.”

“What?”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me, no one even bothered to tell ya he was back?”

“No Ray they didn’t, however you are still my friend and partner.”

“Fraser I’m outta here, Vecchio is your partner now.”

“Ray where will you go?”

“To my own place then maybe later I’ll get drunk.”

“I can come by later if you want Ray…”

“Don’t bother, I’ve a lotta stuff to do and I don’t need you Fraser.”

I stormed past Fraser and walked out of the twenty seventh precinct for the last time, I planned to go home and get blind drunk as nothing mattered now. How could I just go back to my old life, hell I hadn’t wanted it then and don’t want it now. I had nothing as Stella had left me and moved on, not that I should be surprised and it had to happen sooner or later.

Stella no longer needed me, and I never even tried to prove myself to her either. Every time things got rough I bailed out, normally I got as far as the nearest bar and drank myself into oblivion. Great way to think Kowalski, now I realized it was the same all over again, I had lost my best friend and was alone as usual.

I entered my apartment and decided to change, maybe I’d go out and find some upper class bar and pretend I was someone else for the evening. I searched through my closet and found the Italian suit that was hidden right at the back, the very same one that I’d worn for my wedding.

I drank some vodka and got dressed, then suddenly an idea popped into my head. I would play Ray Vecchio for one last time, step into his real life and imagine what it would be like to be him in every way. I had the Italian suit, also just down the road was a great Italian bar. I knew I was drunk now and no longer cared, I just wanted to pretend I was someone that actually mattered.

I knew I had one week before the real Ray Vecchio showed up, and after all I only wanted one more night and there was no chance of bumping into him. The bar had a great atmosphere and I was knocking the drinks back fast, in the end I had to sit down at the nearest table or I’d fall right there where I stood.

I was joined by two men that looked like doormen or bodyguards, however they smiled and seemed friendly enough. One slid onto the empty chair in front of me, while the other remained stood and was watching another man that was sat a few tables away.

“You might want to slow down there partner, I can get you a cab if you want to call it a night.”

“I’m okay, I just had a lotta problems lately.”

“A woman by any chance?”

“That and my work…”

“Well you won’t find the answers in that glass… I’m Lorenzo Russo by the way.”

“Good to meet ya, I’m Ray Vecchio.”

“Well I know an Italian name when I hear one, not that you look Italian though.”

“My father is Italian; my mother was American and I got more of my looks from her side.”

“Just wait there a minute, I have someone who might like to meet you.”

“Whatever.”

The man left; however, it was some other Italian man that sat down in his place. He looked me up and down and I started to feel nervous, then he smiled at me like I was someone he personally knew. He then whispered something to one of the men and they brought me a drink over, well I thought what the hell harm would one more do as I swallowed it down.

“Are you by any chance the Ray Vecchio that works for the Chicago PD?”

“Yeah that’s me why?”

“I take it you don’t know who I am, there I was thinking you knew everything about me. Especially as you were planning to do a bit of undercover work…”

“Cut the mumbo jumbo and tell me who the hell you are?”

“My name is Antonio Rossi.”

“Oh shit.”

I knew that he was the Italian mob boss, he also thought I was planning to go undercover and infiltrate the mob. So Vecchio was safe as they hadn’t realized he’d done it months ago, no one obviously was aware that Vecchio was an undercover cop. So Ray Vecchio was safe, however I knew I was far from safe now and had to get the hell out of here.

I pushed the chair back and stood up the best I could, soon I’d reached the door and realized the men hadn’t moved or even attempted to follow me. Once outside the fresh air hit me hard and my head swam, and then I collapsed to my knees just as rough hands grabbed me. Fuck then reality hit me full on and I realized the drink must have been drugged, soon though I was shoved into a car and was soon oblivious to it all.

Sometime later I opened my eyes and looked around me, I realized that I was in an office and sat on a chair facing a huge desk. Shit and there sat behind it was Antonio Rossi, it also didn’t take me long to realize my own predicament either. My ankles were fastened to the chair legs and I couldn’t move them, also my hands were behind the back of the chair and also restrained. I started to panic and knew I was well and truly fucked now, and I knew that I no longer had a weapon or anything to help me.

“I swear to god that I’ll punch you in the face when I get free, y’know I’ve got contacts…”

“Well first you might want to understand your true predicament Ray, firstly the ties are extremely strong nylon and will slice your wrists open if you fight. Also, I’m well aware that you have many contacts, I’d just like to know how many of them work for me. How many people have you managed to make believe you, as you must have made contact if you were going to go undercover?”

“I’m not doin it, I’m not doin anything. I dunno what yer think I did but I didn’t do it.”

“Calm down Ray, that way you might actually manage to string a sentence together.”

“Fuck you…”

“You really need some discipline Ray Vecchio, you severely lack any form of respect for an Italian.”

“Look I did nothing; I was embellishing and it was nothing more than an exaggeration on my part.”

“What was, Ray?”

“I just wanted to impress my new partner, so I came up with all this mumbo jumbo about infiltrating and taking down the mob…”

“Really, maybe I’ll allow you some time to think about what you did Ray. Then later I might teach you a few lessons in true Italian respect.”

“I’ll clock ya if yer come near me…”

The bastard totally ignored me and spoke to the other men in the room, I guess it was hard trying to intimidate someone when you were restrained like this. Well fuck them, I’d be outta here the minute I got the chance.

“Right can you take Ray here to his knew accommodation, behave Ray and maybe later we can make your stay here more pleasurable.”

“Fuck you, Fraser will come for me. He’ll come I know he will…”

The two men removed the restraints and pulled me to my feet, I knew that I was no match against them yet I still had to open my mouth and try hitting one of them.

“I’m gonna break yer jaw…”

Suddenly the man that held me grabbed my hair and slammed me into the wall, then I was dragged down a flight of stairs to a place that was cold and damp. Then I was practically shoved into the room and the door was locked behind me, well I guess I might as well look around while I were here. It didn’t take me long to realize that it was a basement, also there were three other doors leading off from this room.

The first room I was in had a bed and a few blankets on it, okay I didn’t like the idea one bit of having to sleep down here. I’d never slept well when I was alone and it just made me miss Stella even more, also I was afraid they’d just leave me down here to die or something. I tried to take my mind of my situation and have a look around, the first door led to a large empty room without any other exits. The second door led to an old fashioned bathroom with a shower and toilet, well I guess I should be thankful that it wasn’t just a bucket or something.

The third door turned out to be locked, no matter how I pulled it wouldn’t open. I decided to forget about it and return to the room they’d dumped me in. Once there all I could do was wait for someone to come, great spare time just meant more time for my brain to work overtime.

I lay back on the bed and thought about how I’d get out of this mess; I knew that Antonio would start questioning me again and things could get rough if I have no answers. I also knew very little when it came to the Italian mob, so how the hell would I pull this off and stay alive. Great, then I remembered the real Ray Vecchio and how I had to keep him alive too. One week and he’d be free of the mob and be back in Chicago, I just didn’t know if I’d survive a week though. Then I felt jealous thinking about the man, and how he’d have his life back and also have Fraser back too.

I fell asleep thinking about Fraser and all that we’d done together, he had fast become my best friend and I wasn’t ready to give him up and walk away. I also dreamt about Ray Vecchio and the Italian mob, suddenly my eyes flew open and the screams from my dream started to recede and fade away. I’d handed Ray over to Antonio, blown his cover knowing they would kill him and I’d be free to walk away. I just had to keep telling myself that it was a dream, I could never hand him over like that despite how easy it would be for me. I may hate the man, however at the end of the day he’s Frasers best friend.

Great I’d swear that I was coming unhinged already, only a few hours here and one dream was all it took to make me fall apart. How the hell would I hold up if things got worse, yeah well, I think it was obvious that it would happen sooner or later considering they were the mob.

Soon I woke and realized I was no longer alone down here, one of the men from earlier stood at the end of the bed and was just watching me. Well maybe this could my chance to get the hell out of this basement and away from here, not that I had a clue where the hell I was right now. I jumped up off the bed and lunged straight at the man, I’d deal with my possible escape once I’d left this room.

“I’m gonna kick yer in the head if you come near me…”

Suddenly I was grabbed and the man pinned me against the wall by my throat, shit what the hell was wrong with me and when had I become so weak. Then he practically spat in my face as he spoke to me, all I could do was stand here useless and pathetic praying I’d get out of here somehow.

“So, where do you think you’re going Vecchio?”

“Just let me go, I dunno what ya want from me?”

“The boss wants to see if you’re ready to answer his questions yet.”

“I dunno what to say, I told the truth and coulda lied so he’d let me go.”

“Well he’s not a stupid man and thinks different, also you can knock it off fighting me every time I come down here to get you.”

“What, ya just expect me to take it?”

“You’re still drugged Vecchio, not enough to fully knock you out though. The boss wants to talk, this is just my way of making sure you behave yourself while you’re here.”

“Fuck you…”

“Mouth all you want but it won’t change the outcome, also you should realize just who you’re messing with. Antonio Rossi is a man with way more power and influence than you’ll ever have.”

“Y’know I don’t give a shit.”

“Well maybe you should, power can go to a man’s head and he enjoys the power he has over others. I assure you that this won’t be a walk in the park for you, the man will beat and degrade you until your nothing and even then, he won’t stop until your body’s destroyed too. You will be broken mentally and physically before you leave here, well that’s if he decides to let you go.”

“He doesn’t scare me so just shut yer trap.”

“Have it your way.”

The man took me back to the office where Antonio sat waiting, and for some reason I suddenly felt really small and realized I was taking on a fuckin mob boss. Where the hell was Fraser anyway, why the hell hadn’t the Mountie managed to find me yet.

“Are you ready to talk Ray?”

“I dunno what to say.”

“Well you sure as hell don’t seem to be taking any of this seriously, I hear that you seem to have a problem learning your place and how to behave. Oh, and also there’s still that little matter of respect to deal with.”

“Go to hell, Fraser may be kinda weird, but I know he won’t give up till he finds me.”

“You really haven’t got a clue have you Ray; you were drugged and then we took a little trip in my private helicopter. You’re not even in Chicago anymore, so you see the chances of your Mountie friend finding you is slim. You have to face two facts Ray, no one is coming for you and no one even knows you’re here.”

Oh god and then I remembered the last time I spoke to Fraser; I’d told him to stay away from me and that I didn’t need him anymore. The man was my friend and I loved him, yet I’d thrown that friendship away because I thought he wouldn’t want me now Vecchio was back.

“Your awfully quiet there Ray, are you finally realizing the predicament that your in.”

“Just shut yer trap…”

“Ray you are nothing to me or anyone for that matter, I can do what the hell I want to you and no one can stop me.”

“Touch me and I’ll break yer jaw…”

“You really don’t listen do you, as nothing goes into that head of yours and sticks. Believe me you’ll only cause yourself more pain in the long run, and I can make your life hell Ray if I so wish. First, I plan to break you and make you learn some respect, Tony here can take you back to the basement and prepare you.”

“Are you unhinged, just let me go or else.”

“I’ll be down shortly to deal with you, then you’ll truly know what pain is and what I expect from you.”

Okay so I now knew the blokes name, Tony wasted no time pulling me to my feet and dragging me out of there. I figured he’d shove me back in that room and then Antonio would come and watch while he beat me. Maybe that was why I was surprised when he pulled out a key, he then opened the door that had been locked and shoved me inside.

I looked around and froze in horror when it hit me just what this room was, it was nothing more than a fuckin torture chamber and I appeared to be the main star. I walked around and saw all the wooden poles with chains attached, also there was a table and chair that was fitted with restraints too. It was then that I realized the wood wasn’t just dirty, it was stained with what might be blood from times past.

My mind started working overtime now and that wasn’t good, the Italian mob were planning to fuckin torture me and I didn’t like pain. Hell, not this kind of pain, I’d seen enough movies to know what they do to you when they want you to talk.

I had to find a way out of here, not that I could even think straight with the drugs that were in my system. Great then I started wondering what the drugs were and if I might overdose on what they give me, then I heard the door re open and Antonio walked in with Tony at his side.

“Right Ray I want you to remove your socks and shoes, you can do it or I can get Tony here make you do it.”

“Why do I need to remove them?”

“Last chance Ray.”

“Fine I’ll do it myself.”

Shit the concrete floor beneath my feet was freezing cold, knowing my luck I’d die of hyper whatchama call it without them having to do anything else. Tony shoved my socks and shoes out of the way, he then grabbed my arm and bent it behind my back until I cried out in pain.

I was forced to walk towards two wooden poles that were a few feet apart, then one by one Tony stretched out my arms and cuffed my wrists to the posts. I knew this was going to be painful if they left me like this for too long, then to make it worse my feet were kicked apart and my legs were restrained too.

“Ray, listen to me.”

I heard Antonio speak and refused to look at him, then suddenly Tony yanked my hair and forced my head up so I was looking at his boss. There was nowhere to hide and I felt so vulnerable right now, and then Antonio spoke again and explained what would happen to me.

“This is going to be a straight forward beating and nothing more, I want you to learn your place and show me some respect.”

“Fuck you…”

“Well that’s a great way to start, Ray.”

Oh shit that was when I realized Antonio himself wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, within seconds his fist connected with my jaw and I cried out in pain. Then he stepped back and rolled his shirt sleeves up ready for the next time, I was more surprised when he casually spoke to me like nothing had just happened.

“You might want to pay attention to what I’m saying Ray, because believe me it will get worse each day you refuse to answer my questions. I will take you apart piece by piece until there’s nothing left of you, then afterwards I’ll dispose of you like the piece of garbage that you are.”

“I dunno what you want from me, I coulda told you a loada shit but I didn’t.”

“What I want is the truth, like I said today is just about respect Ray.”

“Yeah well don’t hold yer breath.”

“Have it your way Ray.”

Oh shit the next punch was right in my stomach and I couldn’t do a damn thing, all I could do was hang there and moan in agony and pray it ended soon. Yeah right, twice more he punched me in the stomach and I was coughing up blood now, I just couldn’t figure a way out of this mess I was in. Maybe I was a fuckin idiot after all, as all I had to do was be polite and he’d leave me alone until tomorrow.

“Okay, god I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for Ray?”

“For showing you no respect, please I can’t take anymore…”

I hung there unable to do anything and was close to passing out, then suddenly large hands were removing all the restraints and I collapsed on to the floor beneath me. Then Tony pulled me up and dragged me back towards the other room and dropped me down on the bed, and then he placed something in my mouth and made me swallow it.

I was finally drifting into oblivion when I felt someone’s hand on my cheek and heard a voice, Antonio was near the bed and covered me over with a blanket before kissing my cheek.

“Sleep well Ray because tomorrow’s another day and it all starts again.”

“Yeah whatever.”

I closed my eyes and tried to block out the pain, I had no idea what drugs they’d forced me to swallow and I didn’t care as my eyes closed and I’d survived day one. At least I had a bed and they’d left the blanket too; I knew that things could be far worse and so far I’d been lucky. On the other hand, I knew this was how the mob worked and that Antonio had meant what he said about slowly taking me apart.

Each day they would take a little bit more until I told them everything I knew, that or I’d end up dead or wishing I were dead. The drugs started to make me feel lightheaded and I knew I would be asleep soon enough, I figured what the hell did it matter if I slept anyway. If Antonio wanted to kill me he’d just do it, so trying to stay awake to protect myself was pointless.

The next day came far too fast though and I woke in agony, I tried to ease myself up off the bed hoping that might help my body. Then my situation fully hit me and I was fuckin terrified, the bastards had given me some sort of muscle relaxant and I could barely move a muscle. This was a nightmare and now I had no way of escaping, hell I couldn’t even use the bathroom until it started to wear off a bit.

So now I just lay here staring at the ceiling and praying for all of this to end, I used the time to think of all the drugs that are known to cause paralysis and couldn’t think of any that would last this long. All I knew was that they’d forced me to swallow something before I fell asleep, shit I couldn’t even raise my arm enough to see what time it was.

Then I realized with morning would come more pain and suffering, my stomach couldn’t take much more of the abuse and I had to hope they didn’t hit me there. Personally, I’d rather them not hit me at all, however I had a feeling that Antonio got off on the power he held over me right now.

I was still just thinking about things when I felt a tingle in my fingers, I tried moving them and realized that my body was slowly coming alive again and I could move my fingers and toes. All I had to do now was be patient and wait it out, then my stomach started hurting and I felt sick, shit I realized I wanted to be sick.

I lay there flexing my arms and legs until finally I could feel them again, then I practically fell off the bed as I rushed into the bathroom. I was still there on the floor puking my guts up when the door opened, shit this was way too soon and I couldn’t handle any more pain or questions right now. Hell, I couldn’t even lift my head to see who had entered the room, however I recognized Antonio’s voice the minute he spoke.

“You look a little rough there Ray.”

“Go to hell…”

“Do you need another lesson in respect already Ray?”

“No…”

“Good say you’re sorry and then we can deal with today’s events.”

“What?”

“Last chance Ray.”

“Okay I’m sorry, there are you gonna leave me alone now?”

“Sorry I can’t do that, as at the moment you pose a threat to myself and my family.”

“I know nothing…”

“Time will tell, Tony get him on his feet and back into the bedroom.”

Tony helped me up so I was standing once more, shit not that it was any better as my bare feet were freezing on the cold concrete. Soon I was back in the bedroom and was ordered to sit down on the bed, then Tony went and stood against the wall and waited for his orders. Antonio was another matter though, he stood there just watching me and trying to intimidate me.

“What do yer want from me?”

“The truth would be good, not to worry though as we’ll get there in the end.”

“If yer say so.”

“Well I’m afraid my time with you is short today, I have a family wedding to attend ant they can last for hours. You see here family comes first Ray, nothing is more important to me and that’s why I must deal with you accordingly.”

“Ha does your family know what a complete bastard you are, that you keep people down here in the basement and torture them…”

Shit the slap across my face was hard enough to knock me backwards, then suddenly he grabbed me by my jacket and started pulling it off.

“Well let’s see how you cope with the cold down here; I did warn you that you’d lose some clothes each day. I will take everything from you Ray, bit by bit I will destroy you until you become nothing.”

“Yeh right, whatcha goin ta do, keep me drugged so that I do and say everything that yer want?”

“Believe me you’ll do what I say with or without the drugs.”

“Yeah whatever.”

“You really like to play the tough guy don’t you Ray, maybe you deserve to be taken down a peg or two and taught a lesson.”

“Yeah cos yer so good at that aren’t you…”

“I don’t take crap of anyone Ray, and especially some fucked up Chicago detective.”

“Fuck you, I’m good at what I do…”

“Well let’s see if your good at dealing with some pain too shall we.”

“I’ll clock ya if yer come near me.”

“Nobody speaks to me like that.”

I could see the anger on his face and realized maybe I’d pushed him too far, so I tried pushing myself farther up on the bed so I could get away from him before he made me suffer. Not that I had anywhere to go and soon I was trapped, then he leant over me and grabbed hold of my hand. It took me a few seconds to realize what he was doing, then suddenly the agonizing pain caused me to scream as he bent one of my fingers back and broke it.

“I’m gonna break yer jaw, shit are you fuckin unhinged or something… I swear I’m gonna punch you right in the face when I get the chance, shit you broke my fuckin finger…”

“Tony will you shut him up, I’ll deal with him later as I have somewhere to be.”

Tony grabbed something of the side and I realized it was a roll of duct tape, he then ripped some of it off and slapped it across my mouth silencing me. All I could do was curl up in agony as he ignored me and spoke to Antonio, the mob boss whispered something to him and then left the room. Tony came back over to the bed and pulled a pen out of his pocket, he then dismantled it so he was left with just the outer casing. He then took great pleasure ripping way the tape now his boss was gone, now my fuckin mouth hurt too.

“Be warned, this is going to hurt like hell Ray.”

“Stay the hell away from me…”

“Look we can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

“How about we just don’t do it at all, I swear yer not gonna come near me without a fight.”

“The boss was right; you really don’t know when to quit do you?”

“I’ll clock ya if…”

Shit suddenly he grabbed me and rolled me onto my stomach, then the bastard sat over me and had me well and truly pinned to the bed. Then just to make things worse he grabbed my injured hand and pulled it behind me, so now all I could do was lay here and suffer while he bent my already broken finger. The pain was agonizing as I felt him moving the finger around, and then he climbed off the bed and stepped away from me.

I struggled to roll over and then I looked at my hand, apparently he’d used part of the pen and the duct tape to splint my finger so it would heal reasonably straight.

“Why bother when yer just gonna cause me more pain?”

“I follow orders and do as the boss asks; you would do well to do as he asks too.”

“Why when I’m still gonna suffer?”

“Tell him the truth and he’ll go easier on you; you might even get out of here alive.”

“Yeah well I’m telling him the truth and look where that’s got me, maybe I should lie just so I can get outta here.”

“Well I wouldn’t advise it as he has many people work for him, people who’re good at finding out things.”

“Yeah whatever.”

“Look Antonio won’t be back today as these events can go on for hours, so in the meantime I’ll get you something to eat and then I’ll give you some meds.”

I never even spoke as he left the room, shit my mind was still reeling from all that had happened in such a short time and all I wanted was for the pain to stop. Then Tony returned and the smell of food made me realize that I was starving, actually I couldn’t remember when I last ate a proper meal. He placed a tray on the table beside the bed and lifted off the lid, well the Italians sure knew how to eat well.

“Sorry but you’ll have to make do with what was already cooking, the restaurant opens soon and it will be harder to get anything out of there. I hope you like lasagne, also you’ve got tiramisu for desert so I hope you like coffee.”

“Yeah anything sounds good about now, so I take it I’m near a restaurant then?”

“All I can say is that you’re far away from home Ray, look just eat the food and then we can sort you something out for the pain.”

“I just don’t understand the point of feeding me.”

“Antonio would only starve you as a last resort, normally he’ll torture you for a few days first and see how that goes.”

“Great, I’m sure as hell gonna look forward to that.”

“Just eat while you can and I’ll be back soon.”

I tucked into the food as I was ravenous, any other time and I might have appreciated it and enjoyed it, but not now. It was hard relaxing and enjoying something when you knew what was to follow, even so I sat on the bed and ate it until the plate was clean. Shit then the dessert was a totally different matter, it melted in my mouth and I’d not tasted anything as good as this in years.

I also made sure I finished it all off too, I figured I deserved the decent food after what they’d done to me and possibly was going to do later. Now my hand was throbbing and the room was starting to become cold, it was like a chill had set in the room and it would only get worse as night fell. Then just to make it worse my jacket had now gone along with my socks and shoes; great I get kidnapped when I have on a thin shirt and tee shirt.

I couldn’t even rub my arms properly because of my hand, also my stomach was now covered in many bruises from yesterday too. I couldn’t even manage to lift the tray off the bed with one hand, so in the end I just pushed it away from me and lay down the best I could. That was when I yawned and realized I was tired, not that I could sleep because of the fuckin throbbing pain in my finger. So, I was glad when the door finally opened and Tony walked back in, hopefully he’d brought me something for the pain like he promised.

Shit then Tony put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a syringe, that was when I started panicking all over again. I knew they’d drugged me last night and I didn’t like the way it made me feel, it’d really freaked me out when I woke and was unable to move at all.

“Yer not gonna put that shit in me.”

“It will help with the pain, also it will help you sleep, Ray.”

“Just give me some normal meds, you bastards gave me enough shit last night.”

“Ray it won’t harm you.”

“So, are ya gonna tell me what’s in it then.”

“It’s a sedative and nothing more, look you don’t get a say so you might as well just accept it.”

“I fuckin hate you all.”

“Yeah well I lied anyway.”

“Whatcha talkin about?”

“It’s not really just a sedative Ray.”

“What the hell, I swear to god I’ll punch ya right in the face.”

“It’s ketamine Ray, so pleasant dreams and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I could feel as my body started to become relaxed, even my fuckin jaw wouldn’t respond and I couldn’t vent my anger at the man. He threw the blanket over me and for that I was thankful, now I lay on the bed shivering and feeling really sick. Then I started to feel like I was floating and I was also pain free, well maybe I should be grateful for the drugs after all.

I woke sometime later and had lost all concept of time, most of my time was spent drugged up or in pain, hell most of the time it was both. I knew that I was pathetic and was paying for my own stupid fuckin mistake, all I wanted was to see a friendly face and for someone to tell me everything was going to be okay. I would give anything to see Fraser, but it wouldn’t happen anytime soon because I’d pushed him away.

I should have expected this and know how to deal with it, especially as sooner or later I always ended up this way. I was also scared that I became dependant on the drugs they seemed willing to keep pumping into me, great I’m sure Fraser would despise me if he could see me right now. The man wasn’t just my partner, he was my best friend and I didn’t want to fuckin die in some cold dark basement alone.

At least this time I could actually move and manage to sit up, even so my stomach still hurt and I felt totally out of it. Maybe I was already starting to suffer withdrawal from the drugs, god then I realized that could be their intention if they couldn’t get me to tell them what they wanted. I’d become nothing more than a common druggie, one who most likely would do or say anything to get their next fix. Oh god I was fucked if that were the case, also I knew the real Vecchio would be too if it went that far.

As usual I was overthinking and could cross that bridge when and if it came to it, at the moment I could still think for myself and knew how to answer them. Maybe with any luck Antonio would be hung over from the wedding and leave me alone for a while, no he was the boss and would just send someone else to do his dirty work for him.

Shit maybe I’s spoke too soon, the door opened and Tony walked in carrying a bottle of water and a cereal bar. Both items were dropped on the bed without him even saying a word, then he just walked past me and went into the room they’d used to torture me. Well I guess I should make the most of what I’ve got, I ate the cereal bar and drank the water straight down. I felt really thirsty despite drinking it and wondered if that were the drugs too, not that I knew when I’d get any more.

Now I just sat here waiting for Tony to return, also I was starting to get really nervous now and wondered what was ahead of me. Tony never returned though, I waited and then finally Antonio himself came into the room and told me to stand up. He then grabbed hold of my arm and bent it behind my back, then he forced me to go through the door and back into the room that was usually kept locked.

I looked around and saw Tony stood there with his sleeves rolled up, shit then I noticed the chair and the large tub of water that sat on the floor near it. Well I think I now knew what they had planned for me and it wasn’t good, I didn’t like the idea of drowning.

“Sit down on the chair Ray.”

“Go to hell…”

“Tony can you remove Ray’s shirt, oh and also his tee shirt too.”

“Fuck you…”

I tried fighting against the man that held me but to no avail. Then Tony came over and pulled out a small knife to use on my clothes, Soon I was stood here in nothing more than my pants and underwear despite the place was fucking freezing.

“Ray you would do well to sit down on the chair, especially if you don’t want that finger to suffer any permanent damage.”

“What just so you can fuckin torture me.”

Antonio let go of me and then shoved me to the floor, then before I could stop him he pulled out a cable tie and restrained my hands behind my back. The bastard then made a point of kicking me in the ribs before grabbing my hair, he pulled me up with such force that some of my hair came out in the process.

“Actually, we can forego the chair Ray, it might work better in my favour having you down here where you belong. I’ve given you a couple of days now and I want some answers, I want to know how deep you got into my business dealings?”

“I dunno what yer talkin bout.”

“You don’t want to cross me this far in the game Ray, answer the question now.”

“Yer not listening are ya, look I’m sorry Mr Scumbag if my answers ain’t good enough for yer.”

“Well you were warned, Tony would you care to do the honours.”

Tony grabbed my hair and lifted my head above the metal tub of water, then the bastard waited a minute or so and took me unawares before shoving my head in the freezing water. Fuck I felt as if all the breath had left my body, the water was so cold and I could barely breathe now. I really thought he planned to keep me here until I dropped dead, then suddenly my head was pulled back out and I collapsed back on the floor.

Now I lay here freezing and my body screamed at me in agony, I was shivering and had no way whatsoever of warming myself up. Not that anything mattered as Antonio was slapping me hard to get my attention, as I hadn’t even realized that I’d zoned out on him.

“I can repeat that Ray if you don’t tell me what I want to know, that or maybe next time I might leave you there long enough to cause brain damage. You see killing you outright is far too easy; I’d rather it if you have to live a long life and remember everything that I do to you.”

“I’ve told ya, I’m not doin it anymore. The department was looking into it and was going to send me undercover, I dunno why they changed their mind but they did, some shit bout it been dangerous.”

“Do you think that little speech will help you Ray, or that I believe any of the rubbish you spout. If it were that easy you would have told me right at the start, now you’ll just say anything to save yourself.”

“Whatcha want from me, no matter what I say I’m lyin to ya.”

“Tony, oh and keep him under a bit longer this time.”

“Yeah okay Boss.”

Suddenly I had a flash back to the time I was on that ship with Fraser, I couldn’t breathe at all and thought I was going to die right there and then. Suddenly Fraser was there and breathing into my mouth and giving me air again, not that he was here to do his buddy breathing with me this time. Once more my head was plunged deep into the freezing water and I fought back the best I could, yet it wasn’t good enough as I became light headed and I knew I’d drown soon enough.

Tony was a big man and had plenty of strength to keep me right where he wanted me, shit then I thought about brain damage and whether Antonio would really let it go that far. Now my body became limp as I had no strength of breath left in me to fight with, then my head was pulled out once more and I lay where he’d dropped me.

I started coughing and my chest was on fire, then all I could do was roll onto my front as my stomach started heaving. At one point I thought I’d choke on the water from my lungs, then suddenly I was throwing up too and wanted to die where I lay. Maybe that might happen after all, as I noticed that both men left the room and I heard it lock behind them.

I’d literally been left here on this stone floor, now I knew my body would have no way of getting warm and chances are I’d freeze to death before they returned. I was already shivering from the lack of clothes and the freezing cold water, also the bastards had still left my hands restrained behind my back.

I could say I fell in and out of sleep, however I think in all honesty I kept passing out and sleep had nothing to do with it at all. I think it was my body telling me that it was giving up and shutting down on me, as the cold water alone was a severe shock to my entire system. All I wanted was for the pain to end and have no more suffering, yet the fear of never seeing Fraser or my family scared the hell out of me.

Now I was shivering even worse and my teeth were chattering, I had to wonder if I’d survive this now even if they did come back for me. I knew that logically I should have dragged myself over to the chair, that way I’d no longer be on this concrete floor that was making it all far worse, however it was too late as I had no strength to even crawl that far.

The next time I passed out was worse, I recall trying to wake up and pull myself out the hell I was now in. It was far too late though and my eyes refused to even open, then I felt someone slapping me hard across the face.

“Time to wake up Ray, believe me I haven’t finished with you yet. Tony go put him on the bed for me, oh you can remove the cable tie too.”

I felt someone hold me and I was dragged back into the bedroom, once there I was laid on the bed and covered back up. I was still freezing though and I knew it would take some time to get warm again. Antonio came over to the bed and was carrying some more blankets, he then covered me up and wrapped them around me. At first, I hadn’t realized he’d left one of my arms uncovered, shit then I saw the syringe and I couldn’t fight against anything he did to me.

“Part of me actually believes you Ray, as I underestimated you and I thought you’d have squealed within minutes. So, you’re either telling the truth or you can take far more than I thought, well I guess time will tell. You see no matter what I think with regards to the lies and truth, the punishment will run its full course and then I’ll decide. Tony here tells me you don’t like the drugs, well maybe it will give you something to think about as soon you’ll be begging me for more.”

“Are you…unhinged or something…”

“Don’t try talking Ray, we’ll have plenty of time for that later when you feel somewhat better.”

“Go to hell…”

“Right Tony here is going to set up a drip, don’t worry it’s only antibiotics and to stop you de hydrating. I’m going to be generous and give you a day or so to regain your strength, I wouldn’t want to be accused of torturing a sick man would I.”

Shit my eyes were beginning to get heavy and I knew the drugs were kicking in now, I welcomed the sleep and the respite it would give me from all of this suffering. I guess the scariest part was knowing it would then start all over again, also there was the fear of addiction too. I’d never really become addicted to anything in life, okay maybe I’d become far more dependent on the alcohol since Stella wanted me gone.

Great now I lay here and I could feel the tears, I was nothing more than a major fuck up and I fucked up everything and everyone that meant something to me. Shit no wonder I jumped at the job to become Ray Vecchio, it was a way of escaping my own life and not having to deal with all the mistakes. Even so, it turned out that Ray Vecchio’s life is far more fucked up than mine and the grass wasn’t greener on the other side.

Worse was not knowing their next move and what they might do, I wasn’t up on the Italian mob and what methods they used to make people talk. I mean so far I’d had the broken finger along with the water torture, then there was this whole drug thing on top of it all too. I guess none of it mattered and I’d know soon enough, also I would either survive or die and the choice was out of my hands now.

It turned out I had one other pressing matter to deal with upon waking, my bladder was screaming out for release and my kidneys actually hurt too. I managed to sit up and realized I felt a bit better, however I still felt cold and my body ached. Standing might be hard but I’d have to do it, that or I knew I’d piss the bed and then I’d feel even worse. I managed to get my legs over the edge of the bed and onto the cold floor, then I realized I still had the drip attached to my arm.

Fuck them all, I took hold of the tube and pulled it slowly out along with some of my own fuckin blood. Well I no longer cared how much mess I made now and getting to the bathroom was all that mattered, the walk felt like it was a million steps of pain. The floor was freezing and that wasn’t helping either, then I finally made it and emptied my bladder then after I just sat on the cold floor and tried to focus on the return journey.

I had to focus and get myself mentally and physically prepared, shit had I really become this weak and pathetic in just a few short days? In the end I spent more time crawling than actually walking, now my pants were ruined just like the wedding I’d bought them for. Once on the bed I tried to remember the good times, as I’d loved Stella from the very first day I met her back when I were just a kid. I’d felt like the luckiest man alive the day we married and became a real couple, Stella was finally mine and no one could take her away from me.

That was one of the reasons I’d bought the Italian suit, I’d wanted Stella to be proud of the man she was marrying and not see me as the pathetic man I really was. Well look at me now, who would have thought the next time I wore it I’d be filthy and crawling around in a basement. The shower had looked tempting as I felt filthy, but even I had to admit that I was far too weak to even consider it.

I guess Stella was right about me all along, she wanted a life that included a career and making something of herself. Then there was me, I guess at the time I was happy with my wife and my job as a detective and didn’t need more. Hell, maybe I should never have joined the force in the first place, Stella would have preferred somebody who was intellectual and dressed smart in a suit to go to work. I was just Stanley Ray Kowalski and nothing special, people had to accept me for who I am and that was a nervous pathetic wreck.

God, I had to get out of here as I was starting to overthink about everything, seven days and then I knew Ray Vecchio would be safe and out of Italy, also back at the twenty seventh precinct too. Shit now I was making myself depressed on top of everything else, I had to accept that Fraser belonged to him and it was his life I was living. Shit then I realized I was losing it; Antonio spoke and I hadn’t even heard him enter the room.

“So how are you feeling Ray?”

“Well considering the hospitality and accommodation…Look whatcha want me to tell yer, hey I’m feeling good and ya can start torturing me all over again?”

“No as I can see for myself, you seem well enough to carry on with the program.”

“Ha, is that what ya call it nowadays?”

“Be thankful, many men don’t make it as long as you have.”

“I wouldn’t know, especially considering I dunno how long I’ve been here…”

“This is your fifth day and I have something special planned for you today, something I’m sure you won’t forget in a hurry.”

“Great I can’t wait.”

So, this was my fifth day here, maybe I could survive this day and two more. At the end of the day it would depend how bad the torture got, and maybe I wouldn’t want to survive after they finished with me anyway.

“When did you decide to remove the drip?”

“Not long ago, I needed to take a piss and it was sortta in the way.”

“Well it was supplying nourishment too, so I guess you can manage without eating until after this is over with. Unless you’ve decided to tell me about your undercover work and where I fit into it all.”

“There’s nothin to tell yer.”

“Very well Ray, stand up and follow me, that or I can have Tony break another one of your fingers.”

I knew I couldn’t cope with any more broken fingers; the pain was agonizing and I needed my hands to do a lot of stuff. Maybe that was the only reason I followed him into that room, knowing that what happened to me in there would also hurt too.

“Lose the pants Ray.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“At this rate I’ll freeze to death, I guess trying to humiliate me is another form of torture…”

“Yeah something like that, just do as I say and do it now Ray without the questions.”

“Whatever, it’s not like they matter anymore just like my fuckin life.”

“Well that’s what happens when you stick your nose into my business, right move over there and lean over the wooden horse.”

I looked and noticed it was like the type you use for gymnastics or something, however this one was fitted with restraints too so that I couldn’t move. My chest rested on the top and my arms were pulled over and restrained in the leather straps, then Antonio kicked my legs apart and restrained them in the same way.

“Brace yourself Ray as this is going to hurt.”

I turned my head and noticed the whip that he held in his hand, then I heard this loud whistling sound as he raised it and it cut through the air. Holy fuck, and then it made contact with my back and it was agony and I started screaming at him.

“I’m gonna kick yer in the teeth when I get outta this shit, yer gonna regret this I swear to god…”

Fuck then a second one followed and I was really screaming now and knew I couldn’t take much more of this. My whole back felt like it was on fire and I was starting to sweat too, yet still I managed to curse at the bastard that was doing this to me.

“Yer a sick inhumane bastard, yer gonna pay for this and I’m gonna kick yer teeth out too.”

“Ray you don’t intimidate me at all, and maybe there’s something you should know.”

“What the hell would that be?”

“If you ever leave here, you’ll be nothing, maybe a washed up dirty druggie looking for his next fix. You won’t be a detective anymore; nobody will want to be anywhere near you or have anything to do with you.”

“Think what yer want.”

“Oh, I’ll show you soon enough Ray.”

The bastard brought the whip down three more times before dropping it on the floor, he then left me there while he went to get something. The pain was bad and I knew that the whip had cut deep too, I also knew that this would take a long time to heal and even longer for me to forget what he did. I was surprised when Antonio returned and was carrying an open bottle of whiskey, he swallowed a couple of mouthfuls then held the bottle up to my lips.

“Drink some of it Ray and it will take the edge off the pain.”

My throat felt sore from all the screaming I’d done and I felt the whiskey go down, now it felt like my throat was also on fire along with my back. Antonio made me swallow a few mouthfuls and then he pulled the bottle away again, he then walked behind me to take a look at the state of my back. I felt him run a finger gently along one of the welts and I moaned in pain, shit then I was really screaming as he poured the alcohol over the deep cuts.

“Oh god are you unhinged or somethin, yer gonna pay for that…shit it fuckin hurts…”

I could no longer speak as I hung there in defeat, my whole body was on fire and I’d never suffered like this before and I couldn’t handle it. Then I heard Antonio call Tony over, the man was then ordered to go get something for him. Finally, he returned sometime later and I realized what he’d gone to get, all I could do was watch as he handed the syringe to Antonio.

“I could give you enough of this to kill you instantly if I so wished, however instead I’m going to give you enough to get you addicted instead. Don’t worry as it won’t take too long, then I guarantee you’ll sell your soul and tell me everything just to get another fix.”

I could do nothing as he emptied the contents from the syringe straight into my vein, then straight away I felt the hit and the pain started to fade away along with me too. When I woke next, I figured it must be my sixth day as Antonio’s prisoner so Vecchio would be safe soon enough.

Something felt strange though, firstly I was left alone for hours and nobody came to check on me or bring me food. Shit then I realized what the other strange thing was, the drugs had worn off and my body was wanting more. Well Antonio could go fuck himself if he thought I’d beg for more; the question was whether I’d still feel the same way when the withdrawal started kicking in fully.

Nothing mattered though or worked out as I’d expected, it turned out Antonio wasn’t ready to hear me beg yet either. I watched him enter the room and saw the syringe straight away, well I guess he thought I wasn’t totally dependent on the shit just yet. I just liked the fact it made me feel high and out of it all, and right now I wanted to be as far from here as possible.

I had no idea how much he’d used; however, I was laid on the bed and neither my brain nor body wanted to work properly. Shit I couldn’t even move if my life depended on it and it was like that morning all over again, Antonio had injected enough ketamine to paralyse me and keep me down. I could see Tony looming over me and then I realized what he was doing, suddenly I was fully exposed as he removed the last piece of clothing from my body.

I was then manhandled and dragged into the bathroom and shoved into the shower, I was placed on the floor as Tony turned it on and altered the settings, then warm water covered my dirty body. I realized that I’d gone six days without a shower or anything, the thought of feeling clean was marred by the person that was washing me.

I wasn’t ashamed of my body in that respect; however, I wasn’t happy that I couldn’t stop him as his hands roamed all over my body. Maybe it was mainly the fact that he was a fuckin man, men just don’t do that sort of thing to each other unless their gay or something. Especially considering the man was rather thorough and left no part of me untouched, yet all I could do was glare at him and make stupid noises.

Soon he got me out and I was dried, yet I was left naked and taken back to the room where Antonio would make me suffer yet again. It appeared that he also wanted to have me restrained back over that horse too and that worried me, no way could my back take that kind of punishment so soon, well if ever to be honest. Then nothing happened and I couldn’t even turn to look, at one point I think I fell asleep as I waited for the punishment to begin.

“Ray, come on talk to me.”

“Leave me alone.”

“You’ve told me all I want to know Ray, I waited as I wanted the drugs to wear off a bit before I punish you”

“Whatcha talkin bout?”

“Well I gave you a little too much and you were unable to speak, maybe I like it when I can hear you moan about the pain I cause you.”

“Yer unhinged…”

“No not unhinged Ray, this is the sixth day and my patience is starting to wear thin.”

“Well I’ve nothin to tell ya.”

“I thought not, very well we can move along then if that’s the way you want it.”

“Whatever.”

“I assure you that you won’t be so clever soon Ray, you see Tony here is going to have some fun with you and he may cause some damage. You see Tony’s not small in that department and he will have to use some force, I’m sure a few tears will be nothing and you will soon heal.”

“What yer talkin bout…Oh shit no…”

“I see the penny has dropped Ray, Tony you may carry on.”

“Yes boss.”

I felt rough hands grab my ass cheeks and force them apart, fuck then I felt something large pressing against the small hole that was hidden there. Then to make matters worse the bastard had to start talking, I didn’t want to hear him and kept telling myself this couldn’t be happening to me.

“God you are so tight Ray and this is really going to hurt, are you ready as it’s now or never and never isn’t an option.”

“I’m gonna break yer fuckin jaw, you can’t do this to me…I’m a man and I’m not fuckin gay or anything like that.”

“Neither am I Ray; my boss gives me orders and I follow them.”

Suddenly I felt his weight against me and then pain, agonizing fuckin pain and it was like nothing I’d felt before. I started screaming as it became worse by the second, I felt him force himself deeper and deeper into the small hole and then filling my anal passage. Then he started moving really fast and fucking me hard, he’d pull all the way out and then slam back in hard.

“Oh god please make it stop; I can’t take any more of this…please…”

“All you have to do is tell me the truth Ray.”

“I told ya that I know nothin…please make it stop.”

“Sorry Tony here hasn’t had his own fun yet.”

The man behind me slammed into me over and over again, each time my own groin slammed against the fuckin wood and caused me even more pain. The fuckin drugs were wearing off and I wanted more, anything to escape this reality that had become my life. God and then I heard Tony grunt something and finally he pulled out of me, while I remained where I was and sobbed like a fuckin baby.

I was a man and they’d managed to destroy me and humiliate me in the space of just a few minutes, god then I heard Antonio talking and realized it wasn’t even over and he had something else planned.

“Clean him up, then you can leave him where he is for now.”

“Okay boss, will there be anything else?”

“Call Alex Krycek and tell him I need his services; another day and it will be time to cut all ties with Raymond Vecchio.”

Well for one I had no idea who this Alex Krycek was, shit maybe he was a hitman and he was the one that would be ending my life. If that was true it meant my time was nearly up and I could do nothing more, either Vecchio was safe or he wasn’t. I knew I should be panicking at the thought of my own demise, yet for some reason I felt lost and no longer cared when the inevitable happened. Why prolong the pain, I’d just have to hope that whatever way he used was fast and efficient?

The drugs had fully worn off now and I felt every single pain, both mentally and physically. I was starting to sweat and knew I was nothing more than a junkie now, and I’d sell my soul for one last fix to get me through to the end. I would offer to do anything if it gave me that high once more, it wouldn’t matter what I offered as I’d be dead soon enough anyway.

“How are you feeling Ray?”

“I need something…please give me something for the pain…”

“You want a fix Ray; do you want to feel that rush once more before you die?”

“Yeah, ya know what I want?”

“No, tell me exactly what you want Ray.”

“I want the pain to stop, I want it to end and I just wanna die.”

“Well I can’t help you with that right now, you see I have someone who wants to meet you first. Do as he says and he will give you what you want Ray, but only if you give in and admit what you are.”

I lost all concept of time, I opened my eyes and realized someone else was now in the room with Antonio. Maybe this was the man that would give me what I wanted, I just had to admit to him what I am. Shit then I started wondering just what I were, well I guess I was a druggie so maybe that’s what he meant.

“Nice to see you awake again Ray, look Alex here has come to have some fun with you and maybe give you what you want.”

The man in question came around and stood in front of me, he was tall with green eyes and dark hair, he was also grinning at me. Straight away I noticed his looks, also that he was dressed all in black too and wore a leather jacket. My detective skills could tell straight away that he was what we’d class as the bad boy, that or he liked pretending to be one. Yeah right, considering he was in a basement with the Italian mob boss I’d say my first guess was correct.

“So, I take it your Ray, scary as you’re the double of a man I once knew. Anyway, I’m Alex by the way and I’m here to have some fun, and maybe I can give you what you want along the way.”

“I need somethin for the pain…”

“Why would that be Ray?”

“Everything hurts.”

“Is it also because you’re a druggie Ray, tell me the truth and I might help you?”

“Please…”

“I’ll walk away right now if you don’t tell me the truth.”

“Okay, yeah I’m a druggie and I need a fix so there ya go.”

“So just what are you prepared to do for me Ray?”

“I dunno, what do ya want from me?”

“I want to fuck that tight ass of yours.”

“What… ya can get the fuck away from me if that’s what ya want.”

“Fine have it your way.”

All I could do was watch as Alex started to walk away, then my body cried out with need and I knew I’d give in just so I could have another fix. What the hell did any of it matter anyway, I mean Tony had already fucked me and I’d never be the same again if I lived through this.

“Wait…”

“What do you want Ray?”

“Please just wait a minute, shit you can have what you want if you give me the drugs.”

“Do you mean that Ray?”

“Yeah please I need a fix now.”

“Not so fast, you have to prove you mean what you say first.”

“What…”

“I want you alert Ray, also I want you to talk to me and act like you actually enjoy it.”

“I can’t do that…”

“Just think about that fix you need Ray, I’m sure that will be all the encouragement you need.”

“Fine, can we just get on with it then.”

I watched as Alex removed the black leather jacket and hung it up, he then stood in front of me and grabbed hold of my jaw. Shit I agreed to sex and nothing more, then suddenly he was kissing me and I could feel his tongue inside my mouth. Fuck this wasn’t supposed to happen, this was far to intimate and I tried to pull away from him. Alex kept tight hold of my jaw until he decided it was enough, only then did he let go and grin at me.

“Yer a fuckin bastard…”

“Sorry I couldn’t resist; you just look so much like Billy…”

“Yeah well I ain’t Billy so make sure you remember that.”

“Fine I guess it’s on to the main event then.”

Alex moved away from my line of vision and I could no longer see him, however I soon felt his hands grab my ass and squeeze tight. Then the bastard was far from gentle as he pulled them back apart and forced his thumbs deep inside me without any warning.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, ya coulda warned me…”

“Where would the fun be in that, also you better remember your place Ray.”

“What…”

“Just remind me how much you want this to happen, otherwise I might be forced to stop and you wouldn’t like that would you?”

“Okay I get the point, Alex would ya just fuck me already…”

“Soon…”

Alex worked his thumbs deeper inside me then he bent down and bit my ass, shit then as he pulled his thumbs out I felt empty and groaned without realizing it.

“Did you like that Ray, don’t worry as soon it will my cock buried deep inside your tight ass.”

“Oh god I…”

Shit I was beyond speech now and my own body was reacting to this man behind me, I tried telling myself it was a normal reaction to what he was doing. Yet I knew I hadn’t felt like this when Tony had abused me, and this was so wrong and I didn’t want to feel like this. I’m a man and it’s not normal, hell maybe if I closed my eyes and moaned a bit it would speed things up. If I turned him on faster I’d be free, oh and then I’d also get the drugs too as an added bonus. Think Ray, it can’t be that hard to act like your enjoying yourself, no it was the thought of liking it that scared me the most.

Alex was now running his tongue down my spine and kissing me as he went, then his hand reached around and started playing with my nipples until they were hard. Oh god the man was taking me apart and this was far from what I’d expected, I’d thought he’d be violent and abuse me but not this. I couldn’t help but moan at what he did without having to act, especially as soon he had his cock deep inside me.

“Do you like that Ray, does it turn you on and make you want to come for me?”

“God yes…”

The man was pounding in and out of my ass over and over again, then he grabbed my hair and pulled my head back exposing my throat to him. He sank his teeth in and I was totally gone, my body spasmed as I came and struggled to remain in the present. Alex though wasn’t there yet and carried on, it was as if he wanted to draw this out and make it last knowing it would be the last time. It made me wonder who this Billy was and if he’d loved him, not that any of that mattered to me now.

I’d done as he wanted and sold my body for drugs, yeah I guess I really was a fucked up druggie now and couldn’t deny it any longer. I felt Alex pull fully out and slam back hard into my ass, then he grabbed my ass cheeks and was coming deep inside me. I thought he might call out Billy’s name as he came, that was why I was surprised when he called out Ray.

Alex finally pulled out and re dressed himself, he then got a wet cloth and made sure I was clean before he did anything else. I just wanted what I was promised, I wanted the drugs and another high. Alex was back in front of me and held my face in his hands once more, he then placed those lips against mine once more and gave me a lingering kiss.

“You’re special in your own way Ray, you may look like Billy but I know you’re not.”

“Do I get the drugs now?”

“Hold on while I speak with Antonio.”

“What, you said…”

“Just two minutes and then you’ll have what you want, I don’t know how Antonio can do this as I despise druggies. There’s enough out there without making more, look just wait okay.”

Alex went over to Antonio and I could hear some of what they said, apparently the time had come to get rid of me. Alex was taking me away somewhere, not to safety though as he planned to dump me once we reached our destination.

“I’ve arranged a private plane to take you both back to Chicago, then a car will take you to wherever you need to go.”

“Then what do you want doing with Vecchio?”

“Give him plenty of drugs so he can’t think, make sure he’s too far gone to even remember his own name. Then you can leave him naked in some gutter like a pathetic druggie, chances are he’ll never get his job or life back and he’ll end up dead of an overdose.”

“Yeah that all sounds doable.”

“Well that way nothing comes back to me Alex, should he survive everything, well there won’t be any proof to connect me to his disappearance.”

“So, when do we leave?”

“Now, give him the drugs and then we can prepare him for the journey ahead.”

Great so it would appear I was worth nothing, the bastard couldn’t even end my life and put me out of my misery. I would be left on the streets willing to do anything to get my next fix, well maybe he was right and I’d be dead within no time anyway. Alex came back over and stroked my hair, he then pulled out the syringe and I was actually happy. Fuck them all, maybe he might give me an overdose and end all this shit.

“Sleep well Ray as we have a long journey ahead of us, then it will be up to you whether or not you survive.”

Alex stroked my hair and kissed my cheek, then all I could do was watch as he removed all the restraints that held me there. He was kind though and even laid me down on the floor, then I felt him pulling some clothes onto me just before my eyes closed and I was totally out of it.

I woke up and my head felt like it’d been hit by a sledgehammer, and I wanted the pounding to stop so that I could open my eyes and focus. It took some time and finally they opened, then I looked around and hadn’t a fuckin clue as to where I were. Then my mind flashed back to what little it could remember right now, there was Antonio and what he’d done to me.

My brain tried to place everything and then I remembered Alex and what I’d done, suddenly I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to throw up just at the thought of what I’d become. I was nothing more than a common whore, and I’d sold my body to deal with my drug addiction and to get high. I knew I was fucked now and my life was over, there would be no going back to my life as Vecchio, shit or even as Ray Kowalski.

I’d lost everything just to protect a man I’d never even met, yet I knew I’d do it all over again because he was Frasers best friend. Then I started to wonder where I was and why I wasn’t in a ditch somewhere, Antonio had told Alex to dump me somewhere and leave me to survive alone. Maybe if I moved from the bed I’d know, I could have a look around and see if there was any way out of here.

Nothing went to plan though, I went to sit up and realized that I was cuffed to the bed, also that I was still naked and someone had even fitted a catheter. God both revelations scared the shit out of me as I was now trapped, also it meant someone had been touching me while I was out of it. Fuck get a grip as it what the hell does it matter anymore, especially when I’d had two men fuck me like some slut.

Like I could get a grip on anything when my whole body started shaking and then my vision blurred, god then to make it worse I realized just what the hell was wrong with me. I was in withdrawal and needed a fix real bad, maybe this was the reason someone had brought me here in the first place. I guess they could keep me cuffed to the bed knowing I’d sell myself for a fix, they’d come and fuck me then drug me up again.

Could this be what my life had become, I’d spend the rest of it here as some whore that was paid in drugs instead of money. Well fuck this as my head hurt and I wanted a fix right now, maybe if I called out someone might come and give me what I want. I made some noise and then the bedroom door opened and someone entered, straight away I realized that it was Alex and I froze.

“Hey you’re finally awake.”

“Why am I here, you were supposed to get rid of me?”

“I don’t know, there was just something about you and I wanted to help you.”

“What, so keeping me restrained and fuckin me is yer way of helpin me?”

“It’s not like that Ray, I respect you and haven’t laid a finger on you in that way.”

“Yeah right.”

“Look I only touched you to clean you up, also I had to fit the catheter as you were far too gone to use the bathroom.”

“So why am I restrained then?”

“I can’t let you leave until you’re well Ray, also Antonio might be keeping his eye on you too. Look is there anything I can get you, maybe a drink or some food?”

“Yeah yer can get me a fix or something…”

“What?”

“Well I ain’t cuffed to the bed for nothin and I figured yer want somethin in return.”

“I just told you why you’re fastened to the bed, so what exactly is it you want Ray and what do you think I want in return?”

“You know what I want, you give me the drugs I want and then you can have what you want in return, shit don’t make me spell it out when you know what I have to do to get them…”

“Ray you’ve been here three days now, and I don’t give a shit what the hell you think with regards to your presence here. Look I haven’t touched you sexually and I have no intention of either, oh and you won’t be getting any drugs either.”

“What do ya mean?”

“I brought you here to help you go through withdrawal, well unless you want to spend the rest of your life as a druggie that is?”

“Look I appreciate it and all, shit it’s just way too soon after everything that’s happened to me.”

“Ray I’ve mainly kept you sedated for the last three days and you’ve been drug free, just see how it goes and if it gets too bad I can always sedate you again.”

“So, what happens if I decide I want to leave and that I want the drugs, would you let me leave then?”

“No as you’re safe here, also how would you fund your dirty habit Ray?”

“That’s got fuck all to do with ya, shit so basically yer keeping me here as yer prisoner…”

“God, I think I preferred it when you were sedated.”

“Fuck you, what so ya could use me like yer own little slut.”

Fuck suddenly he leant forward and put his arm across my throat, then I felt my body betray me as his touch made my cock hard. I had to get him off me before he realized what he was doing to me, I thought I could handle anything he threw at me and I’d get through it. Now though I wasn’t so sure, I was suddenly having flashbacks to that fuckin basement again.

Both men had raped me, shit maybe that wasn’t the truth though if I were honest with myself. I offered myself to Alex for drugs, and he was so gentle and kind to me. Tony on the other hand was a totally different matter entirely, he’d abused me and hurt me in the worst way possible. Suddenly the pressure was gone from my neck and then I felt Alex move off me, then my brain slowly registered that he was talkin to me once more.

“Come on breathe for me Ray, shit I should have realized you wasn’t fully with it just yet.”

“I’m gonna be okay just give me a second.”

“Ray you might have to accept that things will get far worse before they get better, also I can only help you so much and you’ll have to fight this.”

“I don’t like it when I’m restrained, can’t ya let me get out of this bed and that might help. I ain’t gonna fight or give ya any shit…”

“Right listen to me then, I’ll have to remove the catheter and get you something to wear. Then afterwards we can go and sit down and discuss the situation, but there are no drugs in this apartment and I won’t go out and get you any either.”

“Yeah, I get it, can we just get this over with as it’s ya know like embarrassing…”

“Don’t worry I’ve seen it all before Ray, remember I’m the one who put it there.”

“Yeah how can I forget.”

“Look just lay still.”

Alex pulled the sheet down and I had to close my eyes, shit I felt like some bug under a microscope as he’d looked at me. Then worse was when I felt his hands upon my cock as he held it tight, I hadn’t even realized I was breathing heavily until Alex spoke to me again.

“Are you okay there Ray, I just want to pull it out slowly so I don’t hurt you down there.”

“Yeah whatever, shit this is fuckin embarrassing as hell.”

“Sorry, nearly there and then you can get dressed.”

“Yeah bout time too.”

I kept my eyes closed right until Alex told me it was over, then true to his word he brought me some sweatpants and a tee shirt. I was surprised when he even left me alone to clean myself up and get dressed, apparently, he was going to make a drink and would be in the room waiting for me. What the hell did he really want from me, right now I just wanted to go home and talk to someone familiar again like Fraser or even Stella.

No, I knew there was no point thinking about Stella right now, especially as she was part of the reason I’d become Vecchio in the first place. Okay maybe that was a little unfair of me, I took the job to act as Ray Vecchio because I was a fuckin coward and couldn’t cope on my own without her. Then there was Fraser, he’d want to know what had happened to me for the past two weeks, also the man had a keen eye and would notice the change in me straight away. I finally made my decision and walked out into the room to see Alex, right now I wasn’t strong enough to deal with anyone outside this fucking building.

“Take a seat Ray I won’t bite.”

“Yeah whatever…”

“Look we need to get a few things straight so we can both deal with this, first you will be staying until the withdrawal stage has passed and I know your safe.”

“Yeah okay I get the point, yer maybe right anyway as I dunno if I can cope out there right now.”

“Good I’m glad you agree to this without fighting me, there will be some days when I have to leave you here alone though.”

“So ya won’t know if I slide then, I coulda popped out and bought shit while ya were gone.”

“Well I’d only have to look at the state you were in to know, also where would the money come from Ray?”

“I dunno…”

“Well you won’t get to find out anyway and getting your hands on some drugs won’t even be an option for you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“This apartment is fully soundproofed so no one will come if you shout, also I have one of the most sophisticated alarm systems on the market fitted. You won’t even be able to open the door until I come back home, the first day I will trust you to behave and not cause any trouble.”

“Whatcha mean by that, so what happens after the first day?”

“Well I will have two choices Ray; I can cuff you to the bed or sedate you while I’m gone if you try anything.”

“I swear to god yer unhinged or somethin.”

“I’m doing it for you Ray.”

“Yeah, I still don’t get why though, ya ain’t doin it out of the goodness of yer heart so what gives?”

“Maybe because I like you and think your worth it.”

“Why, because I look like this Billy you had the hots for?”

“I’m well aware you’re not him Ray, however at times you are so like him.”

I sat there fidgeting and thinking about what he’d said, well I sure as hell hoped he didn’t like me in a sexual way as that wasn’t happening ever. Then I wondered about the man himself and what made him tick, I mean I was a detective after all and should be good at finding out stuff. Then I had a thought, maybe it wouldn’t look so obvious if I asked about Billy before getting inside his head.

“Alex will ya tell me about Billy?”

“What is it that you want to know Ray?”

“I guess what sortta person he was, what ya liked about him.”

“Shit where the hell do I start?”

“Just start with where ya met him and take it from there.”

“I was actually in Los Angeles working at the time, I was bored one night and decided to check out the night life around there. I ended up in some bar or other and that’s where I met Billy, he was drinking heavy and looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. It turned out he was the guitarist for some band or other and they were on a road trip, he invited me to go see him play the following night.”

“So did ya know he was into men at the time?”

“This whole gay thing really bothers you doesn’t it Ray. Look we had a few drinks and went our separate ways; I had a feeling he swung both ways but never said anything. The following night I watched him on that stage and he was amazing, yet that wasn’t the main thing that had drawn me to the man in the first place though.”

“So, what was it then?”

“His smile, the man had the most amazing smile and it lit up his whole face. I look at you and wonder what you’d look like if you smiled, I mean a true honest happy smile.”

“Yeah well I ain’t had much reason to do that lately.”

“Yeah I’ wish we’d met under different circumstances…”

“Alex you seem okay but it wouldn’t have mattered as I’m not into men.”

“If you say so.”

“Just tell me about you and Billy will ya, I think ya gotta little side-tracked.”

“We spent a few weeks together and it was amazing and then he had to go to Vancouver, Billy cried out for the fame and attention though and always wanted to be punished for it. I knew he was having problems with the singer Joe and he didn’t want Billy to go, then he had an offer from a well known band and decided enough was enough.”

“So, did he leave then?”

“That was one of the worst nights of my life, Joe found out about Billy leaving and was pissed that no one had bothered to tell him. A fight broke out and Billy took a couple of punches to the face, so we left together and I helped him get cleaned up and sorted out.”

“What, and that was it?”

“No, he wanted to go back to the club and sort things out with Joe, apparently they’d been friends since childhood and he couldn’t leave it like that. So, we both walked back and we saw the ambulance outside the club, Billy was trying to reach Joe but they wouldn’t let him see him like that. I then saw him collapse to the ground and could hear the sobs as I went to him, he wouldn’t even let me touch him or offer any form of comfort.”

“Shit what had happened to make him like that?”

“Joe had shot himself in the head and Billy blamed himself for it, he said that it was over between us as he was toxic and would destroy me too. I tried to reason with him but he wouldn’t listen, he was going to join the new band and leave his past behind him.”

“What so he just walked out on ya?”

“He asked me to get his coat from the club as he was cold, and I never saw him again after that, wait there a minute…”

I knew that Alex was struggling to hold it together, I guess the memories were still painful and I wondered how recent all of this was. Alex returned a few minutes later and I avoided starting at his bloodshot eyes, he then handed me something and I realized that it was a photo of him and someone who I presumed was Billy. Shit the man was my double and could easy pass as me, that made me wonder if Alex really saw me for who I was and not this Billy guy.

“Shit I ain’t gonna lie but I’d not expected that, I bet everyone would think he was me if they saw this picture.”

“I know what you’re thinking Ray?”

“Do ya? And what would that be Alex?”

“You think I want you because of him.”

“Yeah well It’d crossed my mind.”

“You’re different Ray, Billy had a lot of problems long before he met me.”

“So, did he join this new band then and go on to great things?”

“No as I checked later on, Billy never took them up on the offer and just disappeared.”

“Shit not knowing must be hard.”

“Yeah it is, I have ways to find out but I can’t do it to him. Billy wanted to disappear and I respect what he wanted.”

“When did all this happen, I gather it wasn’t that long ago?”

“Nearly a year ago now, look I’ve told you more than I should have so can we just drop it for now.”

“Yeah okay, so whatcha gonna feed me then or am I to starve.”

“I’ll go make you something, I’m glad you actually want to eat something.”

To be honest I felt really sick and didn’t want anything, I just wanted to give the man some space to deal with himself without me looking over at him. Well at least I was getting a picture of Alex himself now, I did wonder how the Italian mob fitted into his life though and why he did what he did. Even so I decided now wasn’t the time to question him on the matter, I’d give him a few days and then broach that question.

I managed to get through the next few days without Alex having to sedate me, most of the time he was out and never came back until late and that worried me. I was even starting to wonder if my presence here was too much for him, as I was a constant reminder of the man he’d loved and lost. Well at least it gave me time to try and sort my own head out and deal with things, I knew there would come a time when I’d have to face the real world and everyone I knew.

I was starting to go straight to my bedroom the minute Alex came home now as he was always in a bad mood, also at times he scared the hell out of me with the temper that he’d shown on a couple of occasions. Most times Alex would hold it together and wait until I was out of the room, then I’d heard him smash things and wondered if he’d ever hurt me or even himself.

Sometimes I felt as if I’d made him angry as he wouldn’t even talk to me, I decided that I’d broach the subject of going home so we could both move on with our lives. At the moment I was living in his place and even wearing his clothes to top it off, I guess somewhere along the line I’d lost my own identity.

Hell, I wasn’t even sure I wanted it back either, however I had to face reality and that was who I were. As soon as I return home, I would be Ray Kowalski and would have to decide where I went from there, work was my life but drink had taken over after Stella. The Vecchio job was perfect at the time but I knew it couldn’t last, would the man even thank me for all I’d suffered in his name.

I knew I was overthinking again about stuff I couldn’t control right now; all I could do was wait for Alex to return and see if he were in a good enough mood to talk to. I was thinking about things and just how bored I was, my life was always busy and there was always something that needed doing. And If all else failed I’d turn to the drink, not that Alex had a single bottle of anything around this place. I was still thinking when Alex walked in and set the alarm behind him, okay so maybe he wasn’t ready for me to leave just yet or he wouldn’t keep setting the alarm, however I had to ask him so I knew.

“Alex when can I go home?”

“God give me time to get through the door Ray, what’s up is my company not good enough for you anymore.”

“It was just a simple question Alex; I will have to return sooner or later.”

“Yeah I know, I need to see if Antonio has sent anyone to look for you first.”

“Alex how did ya end up working for the Italian mob, ya don’t have to tell me and I was just wondering…”

“I haven’t got a problem telling you Ray; I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time I guess. I was sent by a man I worked for to deal with someone, little did I know the Italian mob were also looking for him too. Things went wrong and the man got one up on me, he then had me knelt down execution style and was preparing to kill me.”

“Ya gotta be kiddin me…”

“No, I fucked up and was about to pay for my mistake, Antonio showed up and put a bullet in his head. At the time I thought he’d shoot me too as I knew too much, yet he said I could live as long as I did a couple of jobs for him.”

“So, what exactly was your job Alex, what did Antonio say you had to do to me so you’d be free?”

“Why does it matter now Ray?”

“Maybe I just want to know what ya would do to secure yer freedom, just how much my life was worth.”

“Shit I wouldn’t have killed you if that’s what you think, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time as I were.”

“Tell me Alex, I want to know what he told ya to do.”

“What so you can judge me for wanting to fuckin survive the mess, I did what I did and you’re still alive Ray. Without me you’d be in a gutter somewhere selling yourself for drugs.”

I could tell that he was really struggling to come up with an answer for me, hell maybe he knew I wouldn’t like the truth and I’d hate him too. Not that I could blame him if Antonio had made him do it or he’d kill him, Alex was right and at the end of the day I’d survived what he was forced to do to me.

“Alex will ya just answer me already…”

“He said he wanted to turn you into a whore, someone who would sell his own body and do anything to get his next fix. I was meant to push you until you offered me your body, make you beg me to fuck you so that you could have your next fix.”

“Yeah well ya managed that.”

“I don’t want there to be any lies between us Ray…”

“Whatcha mean, is there somethin yer not tellin me Alex?”

“Shit I fucked up okay.”

“No it’s not okay, I need to know what yer mean by that.”

“I made you beg me; you gave me your permission Ray and I took advantage of you.”

“Why ya had to do it to stay alive, I’m not gonna blame ya for that.”

“I didn’t have to do it Ray.”

“Do what?”

“I’d done what Antonio ordered me to do, I was to make you beg then dump you out on the streets to fend for yourself. Fuck you were just there and all I could see was Billy and I…”

“Ya what.”

“I wasn’t ordered to fuck you, there now you know the truth Ray.”

“Oh shit, I swear to god I’m gonna punch ya right in the face.”

“You asked me to do it…”

“Are ya unhinged or somethin, I was fuckin drugged up and I woulda agreed to anythin. You took advantage of me and fuckin raped me…”

I was off the couch within seconds and wanted him to pay, yet the bastard just sat there while I punched him full on in the face. It was as if he didn’t even see me there in front of him and he’d zoned out, well fuck him as I didn’t need any of this shit so I just left him sat there. I stormed off into the bedroom and slammed the door behind me, it was sometime later that I heard his apartment door close and him leave me alone once more. I’d heard him talking on the phone and presumed it was work related, not that I cared where the hell he went.

I guess I did want Alex to come back sooner or later though, otherwise I had no idea how I’d get out of this apartment. Things had come to a head now and Alex must realize that too, I truly believed the time had come to part and go our separate ways. Maybe part of me was not thinking straight, yet I couldn’t get my head around what he’d done to me.

I figured in a way he was the lesser of the two evils, he fucked me and then saved me from what I’d become. Then there was the other way, he could have left me alone and dumped me on the streets and so many could have taken advantage of me. Well I still wasn’t willing to get over what he did that easily though, then I guess there was also what Tony did and I’d never forget that either.

It was late and I was in a pissed off mood, Alex had left me earlier today to go see someone who he worked for. Not that he ever told me anything though, I guess I was just good at listening in to his phone calls. I guess you could say that I was getting fed up locked in this apartment with the man, he’d never hurt me since he’d brought me here so it wasn’t that.

Alex had returned and I could see that someone had punched him, yet as usual he refused to tell me anything at all. However, this time I noticed that he appeared rather drunk as he sat down, or should I say fell down into the chair. Shit then I was even more surprised when he pulled a full bottle of vodka from his jacket, then he turned and finally noticed that I was in the room with him.

“What are you doing Ray?”

“Nothin, where have ya been Alex?”

“Out as I needed some time to think, look just grab a couple of glasses and have a drink with me…”

“Shit should ya be drinking anymore?”

“Look you can grab a couple of glasses Ray, that or I can just drink it all on my own, so come on which will it be?”

“I’ll get the glasses.”

I wasn’t a big drinker and wanted to keep a clear head right now, Alex was no saint and I was fully aware of what he could do to me if he so chose. Everything that had happened in that basement would stay with me for many years to come too, plus I wanted my own life back and to see Fraser again. I returned with the glasses and we drank in silence, right now Alex was in a world of his own and that suited me fine.

My mind turned back to Fraser and my job, not that I’d be going back to playing Ray Vecchio or having Fraser as my partner again. I’d be going back to my old life where I was known as Ray Kowalski, a world where I’d see Stella all the time and the man she was now with. God then I realized something, would I ever be able to have a normal relationship again, would I get over the abuse and be able to trust another person.

Then I wondered if I were truly capable of having any sort of relationship, as the one with Stella never went according to plan. Shit I realized that the drink was having some sort of effect on me and I knew what it was, drinking had always made me horny and want someone. Great I looked up and realized that only Alex was available and that wasn’t an option right now, or ever for that matter. Shit to go there would mean admitting certain things that should be left well alone, all I had to do was keep telling myself I was straight and I’d be okay.

I mean Alex was good looking I guess, not that I went around checking out all the men I dealt with in my life and work. It was just the fact that he was a man after all and so was I, it couldn’t be normal to be having some of the thoughts I were right now. Alex poured me another glass and I sat back in the chair watching him, maybe if he was drunk, I’d be able to get out of this place and go home. Then I was distracted as Alex pulled something else out of his jacket, the man had drunk loads and was now popping a few pills too.

“Alex is that I wise idea?”

“They’ll make me sleep that’s all, don’t worry Ray as I’m not that easy to get rid of.”

The man managed to stagger to his feet and came over towards where I sat, shit he then reached forward and grabbed hold of my tee shirt. At first, I’d thought he was going to hit me and I braced myself for the pain, then suddenly his lips were on mine and he was kissing me. He was far from gentle and forced his tongue inside my mouth until I could hardly breathe, then it ended just as fast as it had started and he stood back up looking at me.

“Are you unhinged, whatcha think yer doin… Ya must wanna kick in the teeth or somethin after what yer did to me earlier.”

“You know you like it Ray.”

“Like fuck I do, I’m gonna break yer jaw if ya touch me again…”

Suddenly his hand pressed against my groin and he grabbed me hard, fuck why was he doing this now after all the time he’d left me alone. It didn’t help that I was as horny as fuck, oh and also the fact that my own body was betraying me too. I couldn’t help myself as I moaned out loud, then suddenly his hand was gone and he stepped back once more.

“You’re only fooling yourself Ray.”

“What the hell are yer talkin about?”

“You liked it Ray.”

“Go to hell.”

“Hey I’m going to bed, very soon the tablets will kick in and nothing at all will wake me up. You know the rules Ray, the place is soundproofed and the doors are locked and alarmed. You try anything and you’ll suffer when I do wake up, believe me I wouldn’t think twice about putting a bullet in you.”

“Like I can escape when I don’t even know what fuckin country I’m in anymore.”

“Good because I really like you Ray and wouldn’t want to hurt you, that’s why it’s time I called it a night before this gets out of hand. Believe me I’d give anything to have you again Ray, however it won’t happen when you can’t face your own sexuality.”

“I’m fuckin straight, just get that into yer head will ya. I was fuckin raped and it was forced on me, believe me I hated every minute of it!”

“Liar!”

I never even got to say anything else as Alex turned and left, well fuck him as he knew nothing about me or who I really was. I looked at the now empty room and noticed the half full vodka bottle on the table, maybe I would just down the whole lot so that I could just relieve myself and then get some sleep. In the end I drank the rest fast and I could feel the burn on my throat, I then went into my own room and removed all my clothes. Normally I felt exposed like this when Alex was around, however tonight I was far too drunk to give a shit about anything.

I just lay down on the bed and my hand soon found my semi erection, I started rubbing it up and down as I thought about Stella and the two of us together. Stella was the one person I’d truly loved in life, yet I knew I was pathetic and never truly good enough for her. Soon I realized that my cock wasn’t getting any harder, I could always blame it on the drink as I’d sure as hell had plenty.

My mind then drifted off to the man in the next room, shit then that reawakened all the feelings that I was trying to hide from even myself. Oh god and then it became even worse the more I thought about him, I was thinking about a man and I’d had no trouble at all getting hard. I guess I could always just jerk off and nobody would ever know what I’d done, well except me of course and that was a nightmare in itself.

I hated him for making me feel like this, the man had used me like I was nothing but a piece of meat to him and I was pissed off now. Deep down I knew he’d done it to save me from Antonio, yet it still hurt and I wanted to do something that would piss him off too. I was drunk and not thinking straight when I came up with my grand plan, I decided I’d sneak into his bedroom and see if he really was out of it. If so, I would jerk off and come all over him, then see in the morning if he liked it when someone took him for granted and used him.

I went to his bedroom door and opened it as quietly as I could and then just stood there, the lamp was on low and I could see that Alex was laying on the bed face down. His shoulders and back were exposed and the tee shirt was long gone, I lifted the sheet slowly and realized that all he wore were a pair of black boxers. Well my first job would be to make sure he was out of it and not just asleep, I leant forward and spoke to him without him even moving.

I’d had enough of this shit and pissing around, if the man woke and hit me so be it. I licked one of his exposed shoulders and then bit down hard enough to wake the dead, yet Alex never even so much as stirred or moved a muscle. God I was so fucked and couldn’t stop the thoughts that were running around in my head, I knew I’d go to hell in a handbasket if I didn’t get the hell out of this room while I still could.

So, what did I go and do, the fuckin opposite that’s what. I ran my fingers down his exposed back as far as his boxers, his skin felt so warm and soft under my fingertips and I craved more. This was all new to me and I’d never touched a man in this way, before I was the victim and was forced to lay there and accept whatever they did to me.

Then I realized that I wanted him in every way possible, I wanted to bury my cock inside his body and make him feel what I did and when I had no choice. I knelt on the bed near him and then ran my tongue the length of his spine, places little kisses and sucking the tender skin as I went. I was still telling myself that I were straight as my fingers worked past the elastic of his underwear, then my hand grabbed his ass and squeezed tight. I knew what I wanted and I also knew it was wrong on so many levels, shit I was straight and he was a man too. There was also the fact that he was totally out of it and couldn’t stop me, shit would it make me a rapist too?

I was well beyond drunk now and nothing could stop me no matter what, I slowly worked his boxers down and then removed them completely, now the sight before me turned my cock to stone and it was even weeping with the need for relief. The man had one hell of a fit body and must work out or something, as I could even feel the muscle that was in his backside and thighs. Then I realised I’d need some form of lubricant or something, maybe if I were lucky there’d be something around here that would suffice.

I reached over him and opened the draw closest to the bed, there inside was a small tube of lube and it would have to be better than nothing at all. At the end of the day I only wanted enough to make the entry easier on myself, Alex was far too gone to give a shit about any pain I might cause him. Even so I decided that I wanted to have a bit of fun with his body before I fucked him, I wanted to see just how tight his ass was.

I applied the lube to a couple of my fingers and pressed against the tight hole, I then roughly forced one finger deep inside him and felt the pressure within. That was why I wasted no time and was far from gentle as I forced the second one in too, I then started moving them around inside his warm tight ass.

Soon it wasn’t enough and I wanted to feel that suction and tight ass around something else, shit I had no idea why I wanted this more than anything else. They fucked me and abused me, I had no idea about what it was like to fuck someone else and have my cock deep inside them. Fuck this, I grabbed a pillow and forced it underneath his groin and couldn’t help but realize he was also rock hard too. Who knows, maybe I might see if he can come while he’s in this state after I’ve dealt with my own needs.

Soon I was ready and had my cock positioned against his ass, then I shoved into him hard without any thought to him or how he might suffer later. Suddenly I was so pissed with him and my life, I wanted the whole world to suffer because I had done. This wasn’t me and wasn’t who I were, it was as if something just snapped and I could see no way back from it.

So, I just blocked out everything including the man below me, right now fucking him was the only thing that mattered to me. I grabbed his hips with enough force to leave plenty of bruises behind, I then fucked him like my life depended on this one event in my life. Finally, I could hold back no more and was suddenly screaming with anger as I came inside him, then he still remained out of it as I collapsed on top of him.

For some reason I still wasn’t ready to go back to my own room, I wanted to see how far I could push this man and maybe humiliate him in the process. I moved off him and managed to roll him over onto his back, right now my brain was trying to find a way to explain all of this away. Alex would wake up and realize straight away that he’d had sex, maybe I could try and convince him that he participated in it before passing out.

That was why I got the idea into my head to try and make him come, the man was still like stone and I didn’t think I’d have a problem achieving it. I didn’t want to use my mouth as that just felt far too intimate, yeah right and having my cock up his ass wasn’t intimate. Well in the end I settled on using my hand, however I knew it wasn’t my own body and it felt strange at first knowing I was doing this to another man.

Shit then I froze as he suddenly made some moaning sounds, then his body went rigid and he came all over my hand while still out of it. I tried to act calm as I stood back up on wobbly legs, I then pulled the sheet back over him and kissed him upon the lips. Now I had to go back to my own room and face up to what I’d just done to him, to another person and another man at that.

I lay back down in my bed and was now wide awake, my brain wouldn’t shut down or forget about what had just happened. Part of me couldn’t decide what had pissed me off the most, whether it was my actions or the fact he was a man. Great and then my thoughts turned to Fraser, what would he think of me now if he knew what I’d done and just what I really was capable of.

I knew what most people thought of me and that even included Stella, poor little Ray who’s always so needy and far too impulsive. Fraser was always telling me about that and about how I should think first, yet tonight I’d proved him right by doing something impulsive, something that could destroy the rest of my life.

I had visions of Alex walking into my room and beating the crap out of me, hell maybe he’d bring his gun with him and just put a bullet in me instead. Maybe it was time I faced the fact that I was an idiot after all and severely fucked up, my mind and body was past the point of exhaustion now and I would need some sleep soon. Chances are this was just the calm before the storm and Alex would be awake soon, finally my eyes started to become heavy and then they fully closed and the nightmares began.

I was back in that basement with Antonio, tied up while he whipped me over and over because I didn’t show him any respect. The man was used to getting what he wanted and everyone had to bend to his will, that or suffer as I was suffering now. Then they were all laughing as he humiliated me in his own way, each day he would do something that would degrade me a little bit more. First it was the beatings, then slowly the clothes would disappear with each day I was kept here. Then the final humiliation was the rapes that came on a regular basis, the bastard even let Alex use me just so he could watch and get his kicks out of my suffering.

Then there was Alex laughing at me, using me in the worst way possible for his own amusement. Well that was okay as I paid him back and used him too for what he’d done. I’d made him suffer and now he was pissed and wanted revenge for what I’d done, he came into my bedroom with his gun in his hand, then suddenly it was in my mouth and he was forcing me to suck it. The bang that came scared the hell out of me and I sat upright, in my dream Alex had pulled the trigger and I was dead.

I soon realized that I was alive and still breathing, yet something had woken me and pulled me from the nightmare that I was stuck in. Then I realized the bang had been my bedroom door as it slammed open, and there stood Alex looking more pissed off than ever. Shit and that was when I remembered the events of the previous night, I also realized that Alex was still naked and I could already see the bruises that were beginning to form. I shoved myself up towards the top of the bed and pulled my knees up towards my body, shit then all I could do was wrap my arms around myself and wait for the fireworks to start.

“You little fuckin bastard…”

“What, you were up for it too Alex.”

“Don’t you fuckin dare sit there and lie to me Ray or try and shift the blame either.”

“Well you were…”

“I was drunk and had taken a handful of fuckin sleeping tablets, you’re a cop so I’m sure you can figure it out.”

“Well fuck you, shit you deserved everything you got after what you did to me.”

“So, what did I do Ray, come on out with it.”

“You know what you did, you abused me and then brought me here and won’t let me go home.”

“Ray, I had to go along with Antonio and you know that, otherwise he would have suspected something and I’d have never got you out of there.”

“You could have taken me back home…”

“What, make you an easy target for Antonio’s goons to come and finish you off?”

“Maybe I don’t give a shit anymore.”

“Yeah so I noticed, as you seemed to have no problem using me while I were asleep. How the fuck did you think you’d get away with it or did you think I was stupid and wouldn’t even notice?”

“I was drunk and it just happened…”

“You’re so full of bullshit, you’re pathetic Ray and weak minded.”

“Just shut the fuck up…”

“Why, is the truth hard to accept? You’re not fit to be called a man and can’t even act like one, I would have gladly given you what you wanted had you asked.”

“Yeah well I didn’t want it and it just happened.”

“Oh, you wanted it Ray, you just didn’t want to admit it to yourself that you wanted it because I’m a man.”

“Why are you doing this to me?”

Shit I could feel the tears as they fell upon my folded arms, Alex was pushing all my buttons and I couldn’t take much more of this. Especially as he was trying to claim I was something that I wasn’t, I didn’t want it and it had just happened.

“I’m doing it to help you Ray, I’m trying to make you wake up and realize who you really are.”

“Go to hell, you don’t know me or anything about me.”

“I know that you couldn’t fuck a man while you were sober, your pathetic and had to hide behind the booze.”

“Fuck you, I’ll fuckin show you…”

Now he’d pushed one too many buttons and I was truly pissed off, I suddenly jumped up off the bed and lunged at the man who was doing this to me. I slammed him face first against the wall and held him there, shit it was at that moment that I realized my cock was rock hard. Well I hated the bastard for doing this to me and making my body feel things like this. I’d always known who I was, then suddenly within a short time my life was turned upside down.

“Ray let go of me.”

“Like hell I will, you deserve this and plenty more.”

“I fuckin saved you Ray.”

“You didn’t save me, you just fucked with my head and that was a big mistake. You want me to like men do ya Alex, fine this will be the perfect way to pay ya back for what yer’ve done.”

I positioned my cock against his ass and started pushing, it wasn’t as hard as I’d thought because of what happened only a few hours ago. Alex still cried out as I forced myself all the way inside his tight body, I’d then pulled back out and repeatedly slam his body against the wall.

“Is this what ya wanted me to be Alex, because believe me I’m far from drunk now?”

“Oh fuck…”

I knew I wouldn’t last long and realized Alex was so tight compared to a woman, also he was making plenty of noise and that was just turning me on even more now. I grabbed his hair and pulled his head back to expose his neck, then I couldn’t help myself as I sank my teeth into the tender flesh below. I wanted him to suffer so much, yet part of me wanted him to accept me and want what I was doing to him.

I reached around his body and found his cock and realized it was hard, then suddenly he started fucking my hand as I held him there and in place. Alex tensed up and finally came all over the wall and my hand, also at the same time his ass had clenched my cock tight and ripped the orgasm from my own body.

“Jesus Ray, see I knew you had it in you. All I had to do was push the right buttons and eventually you’d react, I’m just glad that I was awake this time and got to see you in action so to speak.”

“Oh fuck what have I done…”

I started backing away from Alex until I was against the bed and could go no farther, then I fell apart totally and collapsed to my knees sobbing. Alex had forced me to admit that I wanted a man, shit and also that I got off on it too. I couldn’t blame the drink this time and he knew it, how the hell could things ever return to normal in my life now.

“Ray come on help me out here, let’s get you up off the floor.”

“Leave me the fuck alone, I want you to stay away from me and just let me go back home.”

“Is that what you really want, Ray?”

“Yes, I just want my own life back.”

“Very well I’ll take you home later tonight, you have to be careful though as I’ll no longer be able to protect you once you leave here.”

“I’ll manage on my own.”

Alex walked out of the room and went to shower; he never came back into the bedroom until it was dark and he wanted me to get dressed and ready to leave. I was given a clean set of clothes and some trainers; Alex then even gave me an old battered leather jacket.

“It’s cold out there Ray and you’ll need the jacket, I have another so don’t worry about it.”

“How far away from home am I?”

“It will take about two hours in the car, however there’s one thing you must do for me Ray.”

“What’s that?”

“I’ll need you to be blindfolded on the drive back.”

“Why?”

“I have many enemies and this place is somewhere that I feel safe.”

“I won’t say anything I promise.”

“What not even if the Italian mob beat it out of you? Look you have two choices here Ray and I can live with either one of them.”

“What choices?”

“You wear the blindfold or stay, it’s up to you?”

“Great I guess I’ll have to be blindfolded then.”

“Good boy.”

Alex blindfolded me and then led me to the waiting car, he then helped me get in before going around to the driver’s side. Soon he was inside and had the car started, then I realized he was talking to me.

“The blindfold stays Ray until I say otherwise, that or I’ll put a bullet in you and leave you in the middle of nowhere.”

“Yeah okay I get it.”

In the end I slept for most of the journey, I guess that’s what happens when you spend most of the previous night wide awake and… No, I really didn’t want to think about last night and what I was doing, or who I was with. I had to look forward and leave what had happened behind me and in the past. Hopefully I’d be home soon and could get my life back on track again, yeah because it wasn’t derailed before all this was it.

I was soon brought back to my senses when I felt the warm lips upon my own, the kiss lasted a couple of minutes and then the mouth was gone and I shivered. I couldn’t help but hear the laugh that came from Alex, great he knew me better than I knew myself.

“Ray you can remove the blindfold now, you’re home safe and sound.”

I removed the blindfold and looked around, Alex wasn’t lying and we were parked right outside my apartment. In some ways it felt strange knowing I wouldn’t see Alex again, yet I was still glad to be back home and amongst my own things.

“Take care of yourself Ray, maybe I might see you around somewhere.”

“Yeah maybe, thanks for bringing me back home too.”

“I just hope I haven’t made a mistake by doing so, look just go Ray before I change my mind.”

I got out of the car and stood near the curb as Alex drove out of sight, for some reason I suddenly felt really alone in this fucked up world. Alex was right and the weather had turned bitter cold now, yet even the jacket reminded me of my time with him. I pulled it tight around me and made my way to my apartment, where I soon found out it was exactly as I’d left it.

I had to wonder if anyone had even missed me or noticed me gone, so I walked over to my answering machine and noticed the red flashing light telling me I had nine messages. Six of the messages were from Fraser, mainly asking me to call him if I’d stopped sulking over Ray Vecchio’s return. Great so it would appear that I was to blame yet again for all of this, then the remaining calls were from Welsh with regards to Ray Vecchio.

Right now I was sick of hearing the man’s fuckin name, I would call Welsh back when I was good and ready and not before. As right now I wanted to go out and get drunk so I could forget everything, I wanted to pretend I was still the Ray Kowalski who knew what and who he was.

That was exactly what I did, I took a cab to the nearest bar and started drinking the strong stuff. Soon I was starting to feel light headed and it felt good, I’d found somewhere to sit on my own and just watch as everyone else danced and had fun. Then I noticed that one couple were both men and all the recent memories came flooding back, they were really close to each other and even kissed in public without any shame.

I realized I should have stayed at home and got drunk, at least that way I wouldn’t have to watch everyone happy and having fun. Shit at times I wondered if I were the only single person in this damn place, well it definitely looked like I was the only person that was sad enough to be out on his own tonight and that depressed me. I felt so lonely and wanted to talk to someone, however I soon realized that I wouldn’t find anyone here that would listen to me or want to be with me.

I ordered one last drink and downed it in one gulp, then grabbed my jacket, or should I say Alex’s jacket. It was time to call it a night and time to go home, especially considering I was now finding it hard to stay upright.

I staggered away from the bar and was now totally intoxicated, yet for some reason I felt so alone and wanted someone to talk to before I drove myself mad. Hell maybe it was suicidal to take the cab and go where I shouldn’t, some things were in the past and should be left that way. Finally, I staggered out of the cab and walked the short distance to the door, and then hammered on it and prayed it would be answered. The door opened and the face I saw there looked far more pissed off than normal, it seemed as if I had the effect on everybody lately.

“Ray!!! What the hell are you doing here at this time of night?”

“Please let me in Stella, I just wanna talk and then I’ll go and leave ya alone.”

“You’re drunk Ray…”

“Stella please, I gotta do this, I gotta tell someone before I lose my fuckin mind.”

“Fine you’ve got five minutes, Ray, also I don’t want you throwing up or anything either.”

I followed her into the room and collapsed onto the couch, I then put my head in my hands and started rubbing away at the tears before they fell and I became pathetic Ray Kowalski once more. Shit Stella was the love of my life, my one thing in life that was solid and I could always count on no matter what. Well that no longer applies as far as she’s concerned, I was just some annoying person that kept showing up in her life and wouldn’t let go.

“Ray, are you even listening to me?”

“What…”

“Ray, why are you here and what do you want, it’s late and I’m up early in the morning?”

“Maybe I should just go, hell I should never come here in the first place.”

“You’re here now so you might as well talk, Ray.”

“I shoulda gone home.”

“Ray talk to me, you seem to spend a lot of time drinking and I wish you’d try and move on.”

“I wanna, yet nothing works out or goes right. I shoulda got outta there while I had the chance…”

“What are you talking about, Ray?”

“I kinda fucked up Stella, shit they were Italian and thought I were the real Ray Vecchio.”

“What happened Ray, you didn’t tell them about the real Ray did you or where he is?”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me, do I really look that stupid Stella?”

“Sorry, so explain it to me Ray.”

“I covered for him and pretended to be the real Ray, there were four of them and they sortta came outta nowhere. They introduced me to their boss, the fuckin mafia boss who wanted me to pay for what I’d done.”

“God, what happened?”

“They beat the shit outta me Stella, then the boss he…”

“He what Ray?”

“I can’t, I’m outta here Stella…”

I had to get the hell out of here and fast, I was scared to tell her what had happened to me when they had me. No, I knew that was a lie, I was scared that she’d hate me even more than she already did.

“Ray, sit back down.”

Great now the tears were pouring down my face and I was pathetic little Ray once more, Stella had worked hard and was too independent to need me or any of my crap, yet here I was more needy than I’d ever been in my life.

“Jesus Ray you’re starting to scare me, look it can’t be that bad as you’re still alive and kicking.”

Stella led me back to the couch and pushed me down, she then sat beside me and held my hand tight.

“Ray I’m here for you as a friend, also whatever you tell me will remain in this room and just between the two of us.”

“I was held there for a few days, I kept thinking Frazer would eventually find out where I was and come to my rescue. No one came Stella, the beatings got worse and I shoulda kicked their heads in and tried to fight back. Shit yer right after all, I’m pathetic and just took what they dished out.”

“There were four of them Ray, it’s understandable that you were too scared to take all of them on.”

“They kept me restrained most of the time, hell they even took all of my clothes away so I wouldn’t try escaping from then. Later I realized that I wasn’t even in Chicago, and I think that was why Frazer or Dief couldn’t even find me.”

“Did you find out where you were Ray?”

“No, I was never allowed farther than the basement and the rooms that were down there. Then one day the boss came to see me again, this time he was really pissed off and wanted the games to end. I was told that I had to answer his questions this time, that or I’d suffer far worse. How could I without dropping Ray Vecchio in it, chances are he’d die if I opened my mouth.”

“So, I take it you took the punishment…”

“Yeah…”

“What was the punishment Ray?”

“I can’t go into a lotta detail Stella, shit telling you this much is already destroying me.”

“Just tell me what you can then.”

Stella held my hand even tighter as I sat there and fell apart, she was my rock and I wanted her to make this all go away and everything to be okay once more. No first I was going to have to reveal all my dirty little secrets, things that I hadn’t spoken to anyone about since all this happened.

“He… Shit the man who worked for him raped me while Antonio stood there and watched…”

“Oh god Ray I’m so sorry.”

“I’m dirty now Stella…”

“Don’t cry Ray, you’re strong and can get over this if you try. I can help if that’s what you want, I won’t push you though…”

“There’s more… shit I outta just pass a bullet through my brain and end this.”

“Please Ray, I can’t handle it when you say things like that.”

“Why, what am I to ya really Stella?”

“I still care Ray, despite what you think.”

“I thought it was all over Stella, then the boss had a visitor, he must have known him well as he had no problem with the man seeing me naked and restrained… Then they were laughing and joking about me and what the boss had done to me, god then he told me the man was called Alex and he was going to let him play with me.”

“God, Ray what did he do to you?”

“The Italian mob boss gave Alex permission drug me and hurt me, he also gave him his permission to rape me too or so I thought at the time…”

I couldn’t go on, really I should never have come here or told Stella any of this. I guess it was all too fresh in my head and I felt alone now, maybe that bullet might not be such a bad idea after all.

“Ray look at me, come on none of this was your fault and you can’t blame yourself.”

“But it was my fault Stella, Ray Vecchio showed up and my time was up, I had to walk out of that station knowing I was losing everything. Fraser was, hell is my best friend and now he doesn’t care about me anymore.”

“I’m sure he still cares about you Ray; I still don’t see how you can blame yourself though.”

“I went looking for trouble, I wanted to feel a different kind of pain from the one in my heart. I guess I just hadn’t bargained on suffering as much as I did, I thought I’d get a good kick in and I’d be outta there.”

“So how did you manage to get away Ray, or did they just let you go in the end?”

“The one called Alex got me out of there and took me somewhere safe.”

“What so he rapes you and then suddenly has a guilty conscience?”

“He only did it so the boss wouldn’t suspect anything, he never touched me again despite keeping me prisoner for a few weeks and it’s complicated.”

“I don’t understand why he didn’t just let you go then.”

“He took me so I’d be safe from the mob, he said he wanted to keep me there until he felt it was safe to let me go.”

“Yet you swear he never touched you again Ray?”

“No, it was me; don’t you get it Stella…”

“Ray tell me what happened.”

“He was good to me Stella and treat me okay, then I went into the bedroom after having a few drinks and I wanted to hurt him at first, to make him suffer for what he’d done to me.”

“That’s normal Ray…”

“He was out of it and I took advantage of him, so now I’m no better. The next morning he knew and came into the bedroom to confront me, he was so pissed off with me too. I shoved him against the wall and threatened to abuse him, he laughed at me and kept taunting me. He said I wasn’t man enough to do it and that I was pathetic, so I had to prove him wrong. Shit I fucked him hard against that wall and he got off on it, and I enjoyed overpowering him and the feeling of being the one in charge.”

“That’s how some victims deal with things Ray, you no longer want to be the victim that was defenceless and couldn’t fight back. Also, by the sound of it he wanted you to do it, so you were just giving him what he wanted.”

“You don’t get it do you, I wanted it too Stella. Oh god I wanted a man and that’s so wrong, then he tried to make me admit that I enjoyed it.”

“And did you enjoy it Ray?”

“Yeah, maybe I shoulda just kicked him in the head instead.”

“Only you can decide what you want Ray, you have to deal with it and accept the outcome.”

“Funny, he kinda gave me the same speech too before kissin me goodbye.”

“Yeah and he’s right.”

“Shit I can’t deal with this right now, look Stella I gotta get outta here and go home.”

“Promise me you’ll go home and sober up Ray.”

“Yeah I promise, can ya call me a cab as I’m too tired to walk.”

Finally, the cab arrived and I was on my way home, yet once back I went straight to the fridge and grabbed a beer. I no longer wanted to sober up or face reality, shit I didn’t want to face up to myself and the fact that everything I believed about myself might be a lie. I knew that I’d only given Stella bits of what happened and I was too drunk to care, it was then that I realized just how fucked up I really was.

I drank the bottle of beer and then threw the bottle against the wall; glass flew in all directions and some only just missed me. Then I just casually got up and went to retrieve another bottle from the kitchen, in the end I drank until I finally passed out and could forget about it all.

I woke sometime later to some annoying ringing noise; it didn’t take me long to realize that it was my phone that had woke me and was making my head far worse by the second. I went to get up and silence the damn thing and fell off the couch, great I’d have to face the fact that I was nothing more than a pathetic loser and fucked everything up. Then I froze as the phone stopped ringing and the answer machine kicked in, especially when I recognized Frasers voice straightaway.

“Ray pick up the phone so we can talk, Stella phoned the station and said you were back. Okay I’ll try again later; look I think we need to talk that is all Ray.”

I grabbed the phone and ripped the wires from the wall silencing the voice, I couldn’t understand why Fraser wanted to talk to me as it wouldn’t change anything at all, oh and so much for telling Stella stuff in confidence.

Right I decided I had to pull myself together and go to the nearest liquor store, well at least I was still dressed from last night so that would save me some time and effort. It was bad enough that I had to walk there, however I knew I was over the limit and wasn’t prepared to drive there. I could just image what would happen with the way my luck was going, yeah, I’d perhaps get pulled by someone from the twenty seventh precinct like Vecchio and Fraser.

It was strange thinking about work and everything else, to think I no longer worked there and Vecchio would be back behind his own desk again. That was one of the reasons I would never go back to the station for my stuff, I really didn’t want to see Vecchio despite what I’d just suffered on his behalf. I also decided that one good thing had come out of all this thinking I was doing, it had made the walk to the liquor store and back go really fast and that was good.

Once home I took up the same spot on the couch that I’d not so long ago left, maybe later I might consider cleaning the broken glass from the floor along with the smashed phone. I had only one priority right now, and that as to drink the whole bottle of vodka and forget about everything. I started drinking it from the bottle without a care in the world and that was all I remembered, then suddenly my face stung as if someone had slapped me hard on the cheek.

“What the fuck…”

“Ray come on please wake up.”

“Frase?”

“Yes, it is I, well I guess I can see why you never answered my calls.”

Fraser picked the phone up from the floor and realized it was useless, I guess that was another fucked up thing in my life and was just like me. Then Fraser came over to the couch and prized the vodka bottle from my tight grip.

“Hey whatcha doin…”

“You are clearly drunk Ray and need to sober up, we need to talk and you just disappear out of the blue for weeks on end.”

“Yeah well that’s nothin to do with ya Frase, also I might not wanna sober up…”

“Ray you are a detective and have a job to do, Welsh sent me to see where you are and why you never reported in for work.”

“Err hello Frase, maybe it has somethin to do with the fact I ain’t your partner anymore.”

“You were sent a message with regards to your position, Ray.”

“How bout ya fuck off Frase and go play with yer new partner…”

“I’m not going anywhere until we have that talk, Ray.”

“Fuck off, I Wantcha out of my apartment Frase and I will throw ya out if I have to.”

“Okay do it then, throw me out if you see yourself as capable and up to the task, Ray.”

I went to get up off the couch and struggled to get my balance and stand straight, shit then I fell to the floor and cut my hand on some of the glass there. All the while Fraser just stood there with his arms folded, I knew that he was watching every move I made and could see just how pathetic I was.

“Ray sit down and let me deal with that cut, you could have some glass still in it and it will need cleaning.”

“Frase just drop it will ya.”

“Sit down now Ray, you are my friend and I’m not going to leave you alone so you can self destruct.”

I used the couch to pull myself back up from the floor, then I just collapsed on it and closed my eyes not wanting to see his face as he watched me. It was then that I heard him sigh and move towards me, and then before I knew it he was sat right beside me on the couch. Then I nearly freaked out as he gently took my hand and held it in his own, I had to block him out as he then retrieved a clean cloth and cleaned me up. Shit and then I knew I’d have to say something to break the tension that had gathered within the room, so I just blurted out the first thing that came into my head.

“So, where’s Vecchio now?”

“I presume he’s in Italy or wherever his undercover work takes him, did you fully listen to any of your messages, Ray?”

“Nah I guess I kinda got bored after a minute or so.”

“Well you see Ray that’s the thing we need to talk about.”

“What the fact that I outta pay more attention, also you said one of the things. Frase, we don’t even work together so what’s the point.”

“Ray I just told you that Vecchio is no longer here, Welsh confirmed that you transfer back wasn’t going through and you still work here. Then it turns out you don’t show up for work or take any calls, there are plenty of unanswered questions with regards to this Ray and people are talking.”

Suddenly I felt sick to the stomach with what he’d said, shit what did Fraser mean about the questions and that everyone was talking about me. Did everyone know about me and what had happened, what I’d let someone do to me and what I’d become…

“Ray, Ray, Ray will you take a few deep breaths and calm down, look just tell me if it’s something I said.”

“I thought Vecchio was out of the mob, shit you gotta help me out here Frase.”

“Ray Vecchio was pulling out and returning to America, everything was sorted and his flight was even booked for his return. It was then that something happened Ray and he was able to carry on with his undercover work, he messaged me and told me to check up on you because of what he’d heard.”

“Okay so what was it he heard Frase, also why would he want ya to check up on me?”

“The Italian mob are like some separate family Ray; they deal with things as one too and word goes around fast. Yes, they believed some undercover cop named Vecchio had worked his way into their family, and that was why Antonio was looking into the detective in question. It was all hush hush and nobody knew any more, then one day Antonio spread the word that Ray Vecchio had been taken care of and was as good as dead. It meant Vecchio could stay, however he believed that they must have got to you believing you were him.”

“Yeah, they gotta me alright, shit Frase I didn’t just disappear ya know…”

“Ray, I think it’s time you told me the full story, don’t you?”

“Yeah I need a quick shower first and some coffee, then I wanna tell ya everything Frase.”

“You go then and I’ll clean up this mess, also I will make some coffee too.”

“I’m glad that yer here Frase, I’m also glad that yer my friend and still my partner.”

“As am I Ray.”

“So, are we good Frase?”

“Yes, we’re good Ray.”

I went into the bathroom and realized just how lucky I was to have a friend like him, I also knew that I had to talk to someone before I drove myself mad trying to deal with it all. I would shower and make myself somewhat normal, then I’d sit down and decide just how much I should tell Fraser. I knew I’d tell him about my time with Antonio, however Alex and my feelings towards him was another matter.

I had to admit that the shower felt good and helped clear my head somewhat, I then decided to take a couple of pills too so that my head would be totally clear. God then I realized I’d have to have a psyche test too once the details emerged, maybe it was for the best so I knew for my own piece of mind too.

In the bedroom I dressed and put on some jeans and a tee shirt, I always found it easier talking to someone when I was fully dressed. I guess also it was the thought of bringing the abuse back up and the memories that it would stir, and I never wanted to feel that vulnerable again as long as I lived.

In the room Fraser was already sat on the couch, I couldn’t help but notice the glass all gone and a mug of coffee sat on the table waiting for me. Fraser was good at sensing things and had known straight away that something was wrong, yet for some reason I felt like I was suddenly frozen right where I stood.

“Ray sit down please; I promise here and now that I won’t judge you or think any less of you.”

“Ya might not feel that way when I tell ya everything Fraser.”

“Well Ray, I guess there’s only one way to find out if I mean what I say. Please sit down and talk to me, I can be patient and you can take all the time you need.”

I finally moved and sat down on the couch; I’d also purposely sat at the opposite end to the Mountie. I think it was mainly me and how I now saw myself, I got it into my head that Fraser would soon want to sit as far away from me as possible.

After a few minutes I started talking and began from the start, I told Fraser about my time with Antonio and what had happened to me. I then told him all about Alex and what had happened between us, how I’d be in a gutter if he hadn’t saved me and took me home with him. I even went on to tell him about my time there and what had happened with Alex, how I’d lost it and made him pay for everything in the worst way possible.

I then went on to tell him how I’d returned and started drinking, once done I worried about what he’d think of me or if we could still remain partners. Fraser always seemed so perfect in every way and I was pathetic before this, so how the hell could the man want to be anywhere near me now. The silence also worried me too, and now I was sat here with my hands covering my tear stained face.

“Ray please look at me.”

“Why, so that I can see the disgust on yer face Frase?”

“Ray you do not disgust me and none of this was your fault, you were forced to endure things that were well beyond your control too. You are the bravest man I know and need to remember that, you put your life on the line for a man you’ve never even met.”

“I did what I did, yer my friend Frase and I know how much Vecchio means to ya.”

“So, what are you trying to say to me Ray, that I’d be okay as long as you saved Ray Vecchio?”

“I figured everything would be okay for ya and it was for the best, ya would have yer partner back and ya would move on.”

“Ray you are my friend too; I wouldn’t personally want to lose either one of you and it would destroy me if I did. Look Vecchio knew all the risks when he joined the mob and went undercover, you didn’t expect what happened to you and what you did took a lot of courage.”

“How can ya sit there and praise me Frase, I abused someone because I was angry and wanted him to hurt too.”

“Circumstances Ray and nothing more, your mind had suffered so much and you had to let out some steam or go mad in the process. I guess it was unfortunate for Alex Krycek that he became the target, it happened Ray and you must move on and deal with your life. Who knows, maybe returning to work will do you some good.”

“Can yer have a word with Welsh for me, maybe set up this psyche test for as soon as possible?”

“I will gladly do that for you, Ray.”

“Frase, can I ask you another question?”

“Of course, you can ask me anything at all Ray.”

“Do ya think any less of me now I’ve been… oh god I dunno if I can even say it.”

“No Ray I don’t think any less of you, your still my friend and partner. The events were forced upon you and nothing more, also I can’t see you doing anything that would change how I feel towards you either.”

“What if it turned out I was kinda…shit what if I’m sortta gay Frase.”

“Ray your sexuality is nothing to do with me and has no bearing on our friendship, I do question your state of mind though and how you came about this decision.”

“I gotta little lost there Frase, are ya tryin to say I’m kinda unhinged or somethin?”

“No, nothing like that at all Ray, however under the circumstances someone raping you wouldn’t make you gay.”

“How bout if I did it to someone else, that must sortta make me want a man.”

“Ray you wanted revenge on a man who had hurt you, granted maybe it wasn’t the best way of getting it but I guess you saw the opportunity.”

“Look I’m gonna just say it, ya might understand more if I’m honest with ya.”

“Please go ahead Ray, and yes as you know honesty means a lot to me.”

“I kinda liked it…”

“Kinda, what does that actually mean Ray? Can you be a bit more specific so I can understand.”

“Yer gonna make me spell it out to ya, Frase.”

“Yes, if that’s what it takes Ray.”

“Okay I liked it a lot, it turned me on far more than I thought it would and I’ve thought about nothin else since…”

“So maybe you are bisexual Ray, I mean you were married for years and you’re still attracted to women.”

“Yeah that sounds bout right, I guess I never thought about men in that way before so it never bothered me. It’s different Frase and I can be myself more than with a woman, shit I dunno how to explain it any better to ya.”

“I understand, Ray.”

“Do ya though Frase, so ya still wanna work with me then?”

“Yes Ray, there is no question whatsoever about me wanting you as my partner. I would be lying to you if I sat here and said I myself had no interest in the same sex.”

“You’ve gotta be kiddin me, and ya never said anythin while I sat sayin all this to ya…”

“Ray there was never a reason to bring it up before, also you needed to get everything of your chest for your own sake.”

“Yeah, I guess yer right, so are we still good then Frase?”

“Yes, we’re still good Ray and I will see Welsh as soon as I leave here.”

“Thanks for that and for still wanting me Frase.”

“I’ll be here anytime you need me Ray, I better let you get some rest and I’ll call later and let you know what Welsh has to say.”

Fraser left and I just sat there for a while thinking about things, I liked the man and he was my best friend but that was it. I did start to wonder though if I’d see him in a different light now, I mean especially as I thought the man was so straight before this new revelation of his. Fraser was just so different from most people I knew, and I couldn’t see him as any different in bed either. Alex was different though, what we’d had was more physical and rougher.

I knew I was getting way ahead of myself and shouldn’t think about Fraser in a sexual way, the man was already my friend and work partner. For now, I would concentrate on Alex and remember how it felt to have him where I wanted him.

Ha not that I’d admit it to anyone though, hell I wasn’t even going to tell anyone else that a man had turned me on. That was one secret that I would only share with Fraser, mainly because I knew he respected privacy and it would go no farther.

So now I was stuck here in my apartment until I was declared fit to return to work again, and I knew my main problem would be boredom. I thought about going out and getting drunk again but changed my mind, how the hell would I deal with all my problems if I just drank. I’d confessed my attraction to Frase and he seemed okay, yet I was still struggling with it myself and I had no idea how to deal with it.

I always felt awkward around people, especially if I were trying to chat them up or ask them out. Shit and that was just with women, how the hell could I walk into a place full of men and chat to them casually. Maybe I really was fucked when it came to relationships of any kind, I’d come to the conclusion that my sexual preferences never mattered as chances are, I’d remain single.

I spent the next few hours sat on that fuckin couch thinking, I decided to get changed and call it a night as I’d had enough for one day. It was then that I heard the door and presumed Fraser had left something behind, as I sure as hell didn’t want to deal with anyone else when I felt this low. Not that I could ignore the persistent knocking, well I could but it would piss of my neighbours and I didn’t need that either. Fuck I wasn’t even dressed anymore and could only open the door an inch, however I had to admit I was surprised when I saw Alex stood there.

“What are ya doing here Alex?”

“It’s good to see you too Ray, so are you going to let me in then?”

“I dunno…”

“Hey I only want to talk.”

Suddenly I felt really hot as I remembered the last time that we were together, also what I’d done to him and that worried me. What if he was here for revenge, shit he’d have done that back then and I wouldn’t be still walking. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then I opened the door fully and let the man in.

“Was you expecting someone, Ray?”

“What makes ya think that?”

“Maybe because of the way you’re dressed.”

“I was gonna go to bed…”

“Hmm that sounds like a good idea…”

“Alex forget it I’ve already had two men fuck me over, look why are ya really here?”

“To talk, you see I discovered a few things about you Ray.”

“Look if ya staying ya might as well sit down.”

“What did you mean by two men, Ray?”

“You and that Tony bloke.”

“You do know he never touched you in that way, Ray.”

“Hey, I was the one there…”

“It was a vibrator Ray; they had a good laugh when they thought you realized it was real.”

“Fuckin great…”

“Look just come and sit down and forget about that for now.”

I went and grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge, I then handed one to Alex and sat at the opposite end of the couch. I had no idea why he was really here or what he’d discovered, I just knew that my body was reacting to his presence.

“So whatcha gotta say then?”

“I’m good at finding out things Ray and can hack into anywhere that I need to be, I checked you out to see if you were okay and to make sure Antonio would leave you alone now.”

“Okay thanks, so is that it?”

“I learnt that you’re not really Ray Vecchio, are you?”

“Oh shit, you’ve gotta be kiddin me as no one was meant to know.”

“Yeah well I said I was good at what I did, don’t worry though as your secrets safe with me. I just can’t believe that you put your life on the line for a fuckin stranger Ray, Antonio would have finished you if I hadn’t taken you home.”

“Yeah I know, he’s a cop and a friend of Fraser the man who’s my partner.”

“Oh, I know all about the Mountie too, I thought you two might have got it together now you’ve admitted what you are.”

“I still dunno how I feel, also Fraser’s my partner.”

“Ray it’s time you stopped lying to yourself, also I’ve seen the Mountie and the man has it bad for you.”

“Whatcha talkin bout?”

“He wants you Ray, maybe you should give him the chance to prove himself.”

“I dunno anythin anymore, shit I’m so fucked up and useless.”

“Ray Kowalski is far from fucked up, you’re a good man and one hell of a good cop.”

“How would ya know that, I fuck up everything that I go near or get involved in.”

“You received three citations one in December 1988 when you saved a young boy in a warehouse knowing you were at risk yourself, you even got wounded but still managed to do your job.

Then in December 1990 in a jewellers you single handed held off three gunmen saving four innocent lives. Then September 1993 you faced down three escaped murderers and brought them to justice. You’re a good policeman and put your career first despite you have a very low opinion of yourself. You took the job as Ray Vecchio to escape your real life and started drinking when Stella wanted a divorce, so how am I doing so far?”

“Shit yer a nosey fucker, okay so I did some good stuff but I still fucked up my marriage and everything else.”

“You see what I mean, your far too hard on yourself. Okay maybe you can start by admitting that you want a man, that it’s a man that turns you on.”

“I can’t…”

“Tell me that you want to feel what you did before, do you want me to make you feel good Ray?”

“Oh fuck…”

Suddenly Alex moved forward and had me pinned to the couch, his hot mouth was on mine and his tongue was deep inside my mouth. Then my cock reacted and he couldn’t help but notice considering my lack of clothing, I knew I wanted him and didn’t want this to end. My mind was working overtime and I wondered what it would be like to have Fraser kiss me like this, to really want me as far more than just his work partner.

I wondered if what Alex had said was the truth, could Fraser really want me in that way or would I be an idiot to even consider trying anything with him. Fuck I was so turned on and hot, then the bastard just went and stopped kissing me.

“Ray, tell me what you want me to do?”

“What?”

“Tell me if this is what you want, or I can always stop and leave you like this.”

I realized what he was doing and still couldn’t manage to say anything more, then his hands went in my boxers freeing my erection. Alex then used that talented mouth to suck me off and make me moan with pleasure, then the bastard went and stopped once more.

“I’m waiting Ray.”

“Please, Alex…”

“Please what, talk to me and tell me what you want, Ray.”

“Fuck… I can’t.”

Alex pulled my legs down and I slid off the couch, once on the floor he made me roll over and lay on my stomach. Then I felt his hands grab my underwear and pull it off, the bastard then leant forward and sank his teeth into my backside.

“Are you still with me, Ray.”

“I dunno…”

I could hear him moving around behind me and knew that he was getting undressed, then suddenly he had his naked body pressed against my own and was kissing my neck and licking down my spine.

“Accept who you are Ray and I’ll make this good for you, one last time to show you who you truly are before I leave for good.”

“Whatcha talkin bout.”

“You weren’t the only one I decided to check up on Ray.”

“Billy?”

“Yeah he’s not doing too good and I need to go to him.”

“So, why do this then?”

Part of me wanted him to stop and just leave, yet I was far too gone to stop this now and would beg him to see it through. Yet I realized begging wasn’t what he wanted. The man wanted me to tell him I wanted him and that it was a man I wanted. I guess the biggest question was whether I could do it.

“I’m doing it because I like you Ray, when I’m gone, I want to know that you’re settled and happy.”

“Yeah but Frase…”

“The man loves you far more than you think Ray, I think he always has too.”

Alex had distracted me with all his talking and I’d not expected his next move. The man had moved down and was shoving one of his fingers deep inside my pliant body. That was when I realized I was so close and needed some relief of my own, even more so when he pulled it out and pushed a couple more in.

“Do you want this, Ray?”

“Fuck, yeah I want it…”

“Tell me it’s a man that you want Ray and a man that turns you on.”

“Oh god please, I swear I’ll kick ya in the teeth if ya stop now.”

“Tell me then now or I will stop.”

“I want a man to fuck me okay, I want a man to force himself in me and fuck me like there’s no tomorrow.”

“See I knew you could do it.”

Alex pulled out his fingers and I felt the loss straight away, then his cock was soon inside me instead and I was far more turned on than I’d ever been in my life. He plunged in and out of me over and over hitting my prostate, then he reached his hand around me and soon I was coming. I screamed with the intense pleasure that I felt, and then soon I knew Alex had gone over the edge too as he came deep inside my backside.

I just lay there on the floor too sated to even move, then I felt Alex roll me over and a warm cloth cleaning me up. Alex then held out his hand and pulled me up so I was back on the couch, I was surprised when he then lent forward and kissed me.

“I need to go Ray and chances are we won’t see each other again, promise me that you’ll at least talk to Fraser and try to make a go of things.”

“Yeah I guess I can try, maybe see if yer right and he wants to give it a go too.”

“Good, I want you to look after yourself too Ray and remember you’re a good man.”

“Yeah yer a good man too Alex and I’m glad I gotta meet ya, I hope things work out for you and Billy too.”

“Yeah, I decided to see what he was up to and I’m glad I did, I think he’s been in a bad place for some time.”

I noticed that Alex was now dressed and ready to leave, while I was still sprawled out on the couch and too tired to move. Alex bent forward once more and gave me one final kiss; it wasn’t love but I knew I’d miss the man.

“Take care of yourself Raymond Kowalski, live a little and go get yourself a Mountie.”

I smiled at him and watched as the door closed behind him, now it was time for me to finally go to bed and get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow I would give Fraser a call and invite him over, and then I could always try manning up and actually talking to him about things, well maybe, anyway time would tell.

Come the next morning I felt too tired to even get out of bed, and maybe this was just my way of avoiding the talk I was going to have with Frase. So instead I just buried my head under the covers and stayed there, maybe later I’d call Fraser. It was at that moment I realized Alex was right about me, and I always tried to hide from myself and my own feelings.

I don’t see how it was my fault really though, and maybe if I avoided everything it couldn’t hurt me. With Fraser though it was different and I knew that, you ask someone out and they say no that’s it and you move on. If I ask Fraser and he says no I’m fucked, I’ll still have to see him and work with him every day knowing I wasn’t good enough for him.

Sometimes my life really did suck, yeah like most of the time would be far more accurate. Shit then I wondered if Fraser would even want to stay if I tried anything personal with him. My mind was working overtime and I was lost in my own thoughts, maybe that was why the voice I heard shit me up so much.

“What the hell, whatcha doin here Frase?”

“You would do well to lock your door on a night Ray, I did knock but received no answer and that worried me.”

“You were worried about me Frase?”

“Of course, you are my partner and friend after all Ray.”

“Yeah how could I forget, so whatcha want anyway Frase as I ain’t getting outta bed anytime soon.”

“Lieutenant Welsh said someone will see you at ten tomorrow with regards to work, well your possible return to work that is.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it Frase.”

“It’s my pleasure Ray, may I just ask if you’re ill and that’s why you remain in bed today?”

Suddenly I felt the mattress dip and realized Fraser was sat on the edge of the bed near me, shit then he pulled the cover from over my head and pressed his hand against my forehead.

“I would prefer to see the person I’m talking to Ray; you feel somewhat warm but that could be the cover you insist on hiding under.”

“Who’s hiding, Frase ain’t there somewhere better ya would rather be?”

“Not at present, also I’m quite happy to sit here and talk to you, Ray.”

I grabbed the cover and pulled it back over my head, Frase was far too close and there appeared to be no way of escaping him, or my traitorous body either. Hell, maybe if I ignored him he’d get bored and leave, shit there went that idea along with the cover I was hiding under.

“Hey that’s not buddies Frase…”

“Neither is ignoring me Ray, look you can’t avoid me and we do need to talk.”

“Watcha want from me Frase?”

“The truth would be good Ray; I believe that we both have things that need discussing.”

“Frase, please I really can’t do this now.”

“Why would that be Ray?”

“I’m kinda tired Frase, so just let yer self out will ya…”

“Oh no you don’t Ray; you are afraid to hear anything because you might get hurt. You have so little self worth and…”

“Shut yer trap Frase, I ain’t listening to ya or what ya say.”

“What you told me yesterday took a lot of courage Ray and I appreciate it, now we must move forward and deal with the facts and how we are to proceed.”

“I still ain’t listen Frase.”

“Okay Ray how about if I tell you that I love you?”

“I know ya do Frase, I love you too.”

“I can see that I phrased that wrong, Ray I need you to listen to me please.”

“Okay just cut the mumbo jumbo Frase and spit it out.”

“I do love you Ray, however I’m also in love with you too if that makes more sense.”

“Oh shit…”

“Ray that doesn’t help me know what you’re feeling, just tell me if you don’t feel the same way and we can move on and forget all about this.”

Shit I realized maybe Alex was right about Fraser after all, how could someone so honest and intelligent love someone like me. I fucked up so much and wasn’t worthy of a man like him, yet Fraser was the one that claimed he wanted me and was even in love with me. I did the one thing that I always did best, I grabbed the pillow and hid beneath it.

“Oh dear Ray, I can see that I’ve upset you and that wasn’t my plan. Maybe it would be best if I left and gave you some time alone, please at least think about what I’ve said, Ray.”

I felt him move off the bed and knew he’d be gone soon; I also knew if I didn’t deal with this now I never would and things would only stay the same, or get even worse when I had to face him at work. I took a deep breath and removed the pillow from my face, Fraser was already by the door and was just about to leave.

“Frase, don’t go.”

“Are you sure, Ray?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

Fraser moved back towards the bed and sat back down, then without even saying a word he held his arms out to me and I moved. I was in his arms within seconds and finally I felt safe, then my mouth found his and I was well and truly gone. The man had the most amazing mouth, okay he’d kissed me once before when I was drowning and out of it. This though was like nothing I’d imagined, then his tongue was inside and I felt so high.

Then Fraser was on the bed laying beside me and I wanted him so bad, my erection was trying to force its way out of my underwear as I became more desperate. Suddenly Fraser pulled away and got up from the bed, I started to panic until I realized just what he was doing. Within no time Fraser was stood near the bed and was totally naked, fuck at this rate I’d come before we even did anything together.

“I want to make love to you Ray; would that be okay with you?”

“Yeah do whatcha want Frase, but just hurry up or I’m gonna come.”

“I’ll make it so good for you Ray, first I think we need to remove the item of clothing that you hide behind.”

Fraser stood at the end of the bed and pulled my boxers down, holy shit then he leant forward and my cock was deep within his hot mouth. He was sucking me deep inside over and over and I was gonna lose it soon, then his mouth was gone and I felt his tongue press against my tight hole.

“Fuck I need ya, Frase…”

“Lube Ray?”

“Watcha talkin bout…”

“Do you have any form of lubricant around here; I wouldn’t want to hurt you, Ray.”

“Oh shit, top draw… might be somethin…”

It was so hard to string a sentence together right now, hell and Fraser wanted me to actually pay attention and think about shit. I’d felt him leave and the cool air had rushed over my body making me shiver, then suddenly Frase was back and I jumped as a finger entered me.

“Oh fuck…”

“Do you like that, Ray?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Just a couple more and you should be loose enough.”

“Frase just shut up and fuck me would ya…”

“I can see we’ll need to teach you about patience Ray, also I plan to make love to you and not fuck you as you put it.”

I laughed realizing it was strange hearing Frase swear like that, not that I was laughing for long as his fingers left me and something else nudged against my backside. Then I felt so stretched as he worked his cock deep inside my needy body, filling me far more than I thought could be possible.

Fraser worked up a rhythm and would also pull right out, he’d then push himself fully back in making sure he hit my prostate every single time. I couldn’t hold back any longer and came all over my own stomach, then Fraser started getting even faster until he himself came deep inside me. We were both sweaty and content to just lay there for a while and then Fraser moved, he rolled off me and then lay there with me in his arms.

“Do you have any regrets about this, Ray?”

“Hell no, yer stuck with me now Frase.”

“Good because I have no intention of ever letting you go Ray, you’re mine in every respect and always will be.”

“Yeah, I wanna keep it that way too Frase, my friend, partner and lover all in one. I do love ya Frase and I think I always have in one way or another.”

“As I do you Ray, you’re an amazing man and I’m proud to have you as a friend, partner and lover.”

We took each day as it came and soon I could go back to work, things never did return to normal and for that I was so grateful as my life now had a purpose. Fraser meant everything to me and he was mine, even if Ray Vecchio came back nothing would change between us as he’d still be my friend and lover.

I’d thought I had the devil on my shoulder and that I was worth nothing, it turned out to be my guardian angel and now I have the most precious person in my life. Alex Krycek was both the Devil and an Angel, he showed me that I could rise above everything and was worth it too.

I have the perfect life with Fraser and wouldn’t change the outcome of my time with Alex, I just hoped that wherever he was that he was happy. I also hoped that he’d found Billy as he deserved a life too for giving me mine back.

The End

09/03/2020

The Devil on My Shoulder

By CarolelaineD

Title and inspiration came from Billy Talent

As I get closer, my dreams get farther

I climb the ladder, but you kick it over

Thirsty for water, but you give me vinegar

When I drink your medicine, it just makes me sicker

I dug a hole so deep, I’m gonna drown in my mistakes

Can’t even sell my soul, cause it ain’t worth shit to take

I’ve got the Devil on my shoulder, over and over

And I just can’t sink any lower, lower and lower

The hounds of hell are getting closer, closer and closer

I’ve got the Devil on my shoulder, over and over


End file.
